So that was it.
The sum of my seven years with C. The story that started in NYC, continued in Istanbul and Edinburgh.
At the end he married a(nother) Turkish girl (while still married to me!! how the hell this happened is beyond me).
I convinced him to get a divorce and got rid of him for good.
Recently, he sent me a friend request from Facebook! I didn't accept it, of course.
Bye C. Be happy and stay away from me.

me talking 12

Sunday, October 04, 1998
It's raining cats and dogs. So dark and wild outside. And tomorrow we had a shoot outdoors. Not anymore of course, after a few phone calls today, it's canceled. It's a wonderful view from the window. I just did the dishes and I will have to go out at one point for some grocery shopping.
I did not talk to C since Friday when he said he was invited to a dinner party and couldn't come with me to see a movie. We spent Wednesday night together, he called and told me he got a recording deal. Great news of course. We met later and apparently I knocked him off his cloud first but the rest of the night was great. Then no news for 2 days. D mentioned something about him fighting that guy A because of a girl!
I sent $1200 to Ali, $500 of it from C.

me talking 12

Monday, September 28, 1998
We spent half the Sunday together, painting his window frames. The plan, I thought, was to spend the whole day but he preferred watching the Grandprix. It did not bother me that much. Should it?
Anyway, I shouldn't make too much of Charley and me, just plain fun nothing more…
We had the Apollo Q&R PPM today, 3,5 hours only. The Mountain Breeze shoot tomorrow.
Life is not very exciting lately. What to do?
G started to work at ANS! Total reversal of lives between us. He said AP is there right now. Makes me want to puke. Still no news from my green card.
I saw a movie called Marquise. Bad.

me talking 11

Saturday, September 26, 1998
It's the last Saturday of September. Last week we had some bad weather but today is so nice, just like Fall should be. I went out for breakfast with newspapers, came back, called Bodrum, took a nap… Lazy day. C did not call yesterday and so far today. I am OK right now but I will have to find people to hang out with soon or life will get very boring soon.
C thinks I don't like and don't make an effort to like his friends. I don't think it's true. But I told him that I don't worry about things like this about us anymore because we are not like before we only get together once a month so we shouldn't analyze things this much anymore, it's not like we have a future together. I don't know if he got that but the rest of the night was wonderful. We even sang together. Now as I am writing this I think, "these details will hurt me to read in the future when we break up again". He told me how he always wondered about his mother's death and how no one gave them an explanation then. He thinks most of his psychological problems come from that.
He gave me (+-) $500 for Amex.
Grandmother and Aunt went to Orhangazi for the weekend. They enjoy that a lot.
I should go out and do some shopping. And what is the plan for tonight? I don't think he will call so I should think about a movie or something.

me talking 11

Friday, September 25, 1998
So many things happened again. I went to NY and came back…unfortunately.
C came and stayed. He worked in a festival organization, moved to a new place recently.
He is the same and if I were writing this a week ago, I would say I truly hate him. Life is not going to be easy. We spent the last night together and we love each other very obviously. I don't know what to do.
Work is as hectic as it can get. Apollo Q&R, Ariel and Prima copies coming up.
My parents are in Bodrum.
The reason why I couldn't write before was that the laptop was at C's.
Will go now, so tired because he slept here with me last night and we couldn't sleep.

me talking 10

Saturday, June 27, 1998
My father had a small operation. Two of his veins were opened with a balloon. He is feeling well now. He has to be careful from now on. Also the good news is that there is no smoking in the house anymore.
C is flying to Bodrum on Monday. He'll be there for a week and attend Ates's club opening and then come over here. I am nervous about this whole thing.
I have to go to NY before July 18th, but there is no room on the planes. What a nightmare.
Work is going to be hectic for the next week. A surprise shoot: Q&R, lots of editing stuff…
If there is an opening next week on the planes shall I go?
It is getting really hot. I don't know how he is going to stand this heat. I saw a place renting rooms in Harbiye, the rooms look like the places he lived in Edinburgh. Hopefully he'll have work soon and won't have to stay there long. I wish he could start off better but he worries about money and he is right about it. Would it work this time? Will we be happy?

me talking 9

Sunday, May 24, 1998
I call him to ask how he is doing and find out he found a job as editor. He is going to make enough money to pay most of Amex and then come over here. He says the music time is over and he now realizes that it was one of his manic-depressive stages. He wants to see a doctor, he wants someplace to call home and he wants me.
Why do I love him, I'll never know. Do I want him, I don't know.
It may be a good idea to meet in NY and see how we feel. He wants to see a doctor over there, the last one he saw before he left. I was not crazy about his recommendations. It may also be a good chance to get a divorce. I did not tell him about that yet.
Maybe I should see a doctor too maybe the same one.
I don't trust him at all. I almost know he is going to leave again soon. But even the remotest thought of "happy together forever" is so…
At work, S left for M T, E is leaving for Switzerland, S is promoted. I work hard.
I had sort of a one-night stand with a German guy, Oliver, from. We did not really do it, but came pretty close. It could have turned into something but his pregnant wife showed up! They had broken up but she wants him back, they don't know whose kid it is by the way. And C reemerged!
God help me.
A is here for a month, which is really cool.

letters from the past 21

Monday, May 18, 1998
Hello Bebek,
I just looked up how many letters I wrote to you. This is the 19th. There are three of them that I never sent. I think it's time for the following two. You will see from the dates on them when they were written. Read them first then come back to this, would you?

Now you know how felt right before I came to Edinburgh and right after you told me you decided (or re-decided) to come over to Istanbul.
And to tell you the truth, I still feel very wounded about this relationship. You hurt me and let me down knowingly so many times. I see no reason why you should be different now. How do I know you won't just leave in a month or so?
The only difference that I see (( you are exactly the same as you used to be…just kidding) is that you use to push me away when you were feeling down, and now you seem to need me. I will gladly always be there for you, can you say the same for me? I don't know.
This time is no joke. It's not just a "let's go to Istanbul and it will be fun". It's real life and I don't want you to run away at the first obstacle. It's not going to be peachy at
first but I can promise it will be grand in a year or two. I have to know that you will stick with me through the hard times.
We will have to figure out a way to please my parents about this whole thing and it is not going to be easy. And you will have to do the biggest part of this because you ruined what could have been a really good relationship between you and them.

I know these are not the things you want to hear from me now. You want me to tell you everything will be all right and that I love you and miss you and I can't wait to see you. Well, yes yes yes to all those. But I still won't be with you if you don't show me that you can take responsibility of your life and that I can count on you.

Let me know what the doctor thinks about you. I hope you solved the drinking problem. If not, do you think you should talk about this too?
I read that sun is good for psoriasis, now that it's summer maybe you should take regular sun bathes? And what is the other problem you are having with your skin?

We will talk in details about what kind of a place you want and how much you want to pay for it. I still think you should get a furnished place for a month or two, until you decide where you want to be (Istanbul is so widely spread, you'll be surprised) and start buying the basic appliances and furniture. It also makes a big difference whether you have a car or not. I know it is a long way but maybe you should consider bringing Lucy over or sell it put some more money and buy another one?

Don't worry about things Bebek. Just try to think clearly. What you are doing now, editing I mean is really going to help you solve a lot of financial problems and will help you move here and make a home and start a new life, so as much as you don't like it it's the first step you have to take. Don't let it get you down at the contrary think of it as a great opportunity, remember how desperate it looked just a month ago.
There is one more option I will mention. You won't like it. I don't know how much money you will get at the end of this six week job, but I know that you owe a little over $6000 not counting the part that I paid since November. You may want to clear this all together before you come over. And also you should have $5000 to $10000 with you so that you are comfortable until you are set up here. So, if another job comes up in Edinburgh I think you should take it. (I knew you wouldn't like this idea, but please consider it.) I will not be here for a part of July and it may be best if you waited until I came back. In August my parents won't be in Istanbul so I can spend more time with you and look for a place etc.

I love you very much and won't leave you alone. All I am asking you is to try to think about the long term and see where you want to be, not do anything in the spur of the moment because you want a change in your life or because there is a crisis and you just want out. It's your life Baby and it's time to arrange it. There is a chance it will be wonderful. All in your hands.

I will stop before I sound too much like an R&B song or a shrink.
Don't answer all this right away because then I'll know you did not think in depth about them.

E
(Wouldn't it be funny if the signature was Andrea or something and the letter was sent to the wrong address and was meant to a different person?)

letters from the past 20

Part Two
5/8/98 11:06:05 PM
Hello Charley,
This is probably is not the ideal time of the day for me to write a serious letter to you but I thought what the heck I'll edit it if I have to (which is just kidding myself because I know I won't have time for it).
When I came back from Edinburgh I was in a very bad shape. It's because I was very concerned about you: your physical and mental health also because something felt very wrong between us. There have been times like this before when I tried to be closer to you and you just wouldn't let me. The only difference now is that I won't try anymore. I am tired of trying to understand every strange thing you do, all of them very selfish and all the decisions you make changing overnight everything we planned together. I am not going to just be somewhere for you so that you can come and go, say you will be there then disappear for months then change your mind and call me over then be distant then change your mind again and come over…and God knows what else next.
I can not trust you nor count on you for anything. I don't think you ever thought about us in making any decisions. I have been disappointed so many times. I may even be late in saying no. Looking back at the last two years, I remember so many instances when I was miserable because of us. Why insist? You told me more than a few times that you don't want me anymore (then took it back, it's so you!). I cannot deal with your ups and downs anymore. I have mine too, but I never turned them on you, my up and downs never hurt our relationship, at the contrary I always turned to you when I felt down and thought it would help to be close which it did. You on the other hand tried to put the blame on me every time you felt bad about yourself, your job, and your life.
At this point in my life, from now on I should say, I want things to be smooth in my life. I want to be able to trust the person I am with. I don't want to worry about a ghost-boyfriend who may show-up or not, even if he shows up he won't stay long and I'll never know what will become of us the next morning. I don't feel I have that strength anymore.
I am sorry that I am not sharing your enthusiasm about coming to Turkey. To be with me, you are 8 months late. And what could have been fantastic 8 months ago, just is not anymore. I wish things turned out different then they did but I did all I could to save this relationship and saw that it's not enough coming from one side only. We all pay for the wrong decisions we make; I am not going to pay for the decisions you made though.
I love you very much and I really really wish there could be an "us".
I'll keep in touch and I hope that you pay your debt soon.
Love,
E

me talking 8

Saturday, April 18, 1998
I went to Edinburgh to see him. It wasn't easy, now my father is not talking to me and my mother is only talking to yell and complain. C looks and lives like a homeless guy, doesn't have a penny. He doesn't want to leave that place and have a normal life. What he is after is a record deal and I don't know how he will get it. Not that his music is bad, but these things are so hard and he is not 18 anymore. Psoriasis is all over his body now and he is not happy. I told him that this was the last time we were seeing each other and he told me "how can you say that?" and that was it. Now I am left with a marriage and over $6000 to pay. I have got to get out of this place though. Living with my parents is killing me slowly, and they are not happy either. The problem is I won't have the money anytime soon. (Shouldn't forget to play Lotto regularly). It turns out I spent $622 in NY. I thought it was only $300. Stupid me.
Life is being very hard on me. C was the biggest mistake of my life and now how long will it take me to recover from it?
I am still hoping that somehow he will come to his senses or hopefully get a record deal in deed and pay for his debt. Amex is cancelled and they may report this to credit agencies.
My mother is telling me that I shamed them by sleeping with men that I was not married to. How dare they get so far into my privacy? They don't even understand that there is something called privacy. I may have hurt them by not telling them some things but were they tellable?
Sometimes I think that maybe staying at ANS (away from here) would have been better. The only thing that's working in my life is my job right now and it's taking a lot of my time. And coming home at night is a nightmare. A friend of B is looking for a roommate. The place looks nice from outside. But I won't be able to afford it for a while if I want to pay these debts. I will have to go to NY before July 18th, and I hope I can fix this green-card problem then. It's going to cost me a lot. Everything I have done for the last few years is costing me a lot in fact.
I have a lot of gray hair on my head. My face and my neck are breaking out. I am not happy damned. I need money, more than what I am making now and quick.
If I give him enough money to go to London to get some editing jobs, he may be able to pay me some. But would I be pushing myself deeper into the debt I don't know.
I am afraid I am going to explode somehow or that a health problem would arise.
Hopefully sometime very soon, I will look at these and say, "glad it's over".

letters from the past 19

Part One
March 22, 1998
Hello,
This is going to be a serious letter, you may want to read it when you're in the mood for it.
I thought I'd wait until I see you but now that I am still not sure if I will be able to come over maybe I should write.
You will remember that when you wanted to break-up last fall and when you called me in Xmas to tell me that you want to sleep around, I kept telling and writing that we should hang on for just a little longer and eventually everything would be fine. Well, now I want to know when that "eventually" will actually be "right now".
In your letter to Ates that you asked me to read, you were saying that for the next few years you want to travel and be with your music only. I would like to say this is just wonderful but I am afraid it's not so wonderful for me. If this is your plan, it might be a good time to tell me. It sounds terrible but I don't think I could wait for you for a few years, because now it's been eight months apart and I know how hard it is and I cannot deal with it for years and years.
Also, I want a perfect life now, and I started already. I have a job I like; I can get a place soon; I will have money to travel; I will have money to pay for the classes I want to take; and maybe just maybe (this is the scary one) I may want to have a kid in the next few years, etc. This whole thing may be too much for you to take in at once (or in pieces for that matter) and you may not want to take part in it for now or for the next few years or ever. If this is the case, if in fact you cannot join me right now or very soon I have to know this.
To be totally honest, I know by now that I cannot count on you for making plans and following them and I know that in many ways you are not a 33 years old guy. You may choose to never grove up and never take any responsibilities in life, you may choose to never put a root anywhere or put them somewhere else than near me. These are all very serious decisions you will have to make, then again you may choose not to make any decisions. The point I want to make is that right now everything about us is totally up to you. I do not want to be in the dark about our future. We are either on, which means we are physically together or off which means anything and everything else.
One very important other problem is the Amex debt. You did not pay a dime since August, which is almost a year ago. All this time that I have been asking what you are going to do about it I never got a satisfactory answer which means you did not give this a priority in your life nor you are planning to get extra work or go somewhere else where you can get more work to pay for it. For your information by the way, I started to pay for it, which is putting a lot of my plans on hold. Why do I have to worry about this debt that I did not do is beyond me. And the worst thing about is that I had to find about this by fax from A. I mean, you did not even bother to call me and tell me " Bebek, I used the card because I had to and I don't have the money right now but I going to pay for it". You never said "don't worry, I'm working on it". If I had not asked you, you were not going to tell me. Even now, when I say that it will ruin my life for a long while you never say "you don't have to deal with this, I will take care of it".
Come to think of it, you never said this for anything at anytime…to me that is. And I always did. Does this make me stupid or you insensitive? I still remember the night I was feeling very sick and you said that you were coming over to bring me soup and stay with me, the next thing I know you are calling from a bar, telling me you can't make it.
I am aware that we come from different cultures and family structures and we don't always understand each other completely, things don't mean the same things to both of us and this is normal and OK. And I am very much aware that this is your life and of course you will be careful about making a big decision. I am sorry to put this kind of pressure on you but I just have to know where we stand. And that you love me and that you miss me and all the other sweet things you say are wonderful (and right back at you) but I need more.
This is pretty much all I have to say. You may wonder why I still hope to be together if I had all these bad experiences, memories, doubts and there are some things about your character that worry me when I think about us in the long run. What can I say? I am just a hopeless optimist… It's because it feels so good to be with you (love is the priority) and I am not even going to mention how it feels to touch you that I think we will be just fine if you could help being less selfish at times. Wonderful to be exact. And I also think we complement each other in many ways.
Let me know if I should still try to come over or under these new circumstances maybe you think I shouldn't?
Whatever you decide or don't decide (and I so so so hope that you give us a real chance) I hope everything turns out the way you want.
I will be waiting to hear from you. Cok you either way.



(And in case we are still on, just a few news from your Bebek: I have a big shoot coming up right before the holidays. So the two weeks ahead are going to be hectic. Meetings every day. The director is a British guy. I did not meet him yet but they say he is very easy to work with and he is a good director. This is not a very fun spot we are shooting, it's just a washing machine endorsed detergent. But there is one coming up after the holidays, which we are probably going to shoot in Antalya. Now that is going to be fun, kids and everything. I took your reel from ANS. But it's NTSC also I think this is your editor's reel. Do you have a goodier one now?
Did I tell you how many Unagis I ate in NY? Well, many many! Do they have many Japanese restaurants in Edinburgh?)

E

March 28, 1998
It's me again. Now that I have a firm reservation on the plane, I thought maybe I should give this to you in person. Also, I did not want to pass on the opportunity to have a great time for a week. I've been missing you for long and much. But everything I wrote above is still waiting to be answered.
Love,

E

letters from the past 18

Wednesday, February 25, 1998
Canim Bebek,
I've been trying to talk to you for the last few days, finally someone told me that "you went down south"! I suppose you finally could go to Rugby to see your Dad. I hope he's doing fine. It must be tough to have a broken hip at his age.
Now the good news first: I'm coming over on April 5th for a whole week. (If it's all right with you of course. Tell me ASAP). The bad news is my reservation is not confirmed yet, because it's a nine-day holiday and everybody is rushing abroad. My travel agent is telling me that usually it opens up a few days before.
CookieLo, I'm so excited that I am going to see you. I'll touch you and kiss you and hold you and smell you and taste you and love you…again finally.
First I'm going to NY in 10 days. Hopefully I'll be able to take care of taxes and greencard problem in one week. I am lucky that no shoot or editing is planned for the next few weeks so I can take off in March and still have the holiday in April to homschk my Bebek. Remember when I told you that I was going to NY for the coming holiday you asked me "do you rather go to NY than come and see me?" Of course I rather NOT. So I thought it was worth a shot and went to Selda (deputy GM) and told her that I have to enter US before the end of March (because I have to make an entry every six months). She was very nice about it. She said, "go right away before March 16th" when we may have a shoot.
The only problem is that I'm already so excited about it that I don't know how I will wait till April (which is only a month away). The other problem is that I will be totally broke because of two international trips in one month and will have to be careful for a while before and after.
Let me know if you want anything from NY or here. Otherwise I'm just bringing my small self (lost a little weight lately) and a ton of love.
Now it's the usual part in the letter where I tell you how cok much I love you and miss you: I love you cok cok and miss you terribly. But this time it's not a hopeless line. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!!
Now it's the other usual part of the letter where I ask you about how you're doing money wise and whether you sent Amex money or not. Is there light at the end of this tunnel?
The weather has been so nice in Istanbul for the last week or so. I check out Edinburgh weather on CNN when I can and you guys are not doing badly either.
Call me write to me cok me I cok you.
See you soon (not soon enough)

letters from the past 17

Wednesday, February 18, 1998

I still did not get a chance to go to the post office. You would think it's far away, it's around the corner from my office! This is how busy I am. I feel so tired this week that my bed looks like heaven to me.
I started to read the book about the Black Sea that your father had sent to you. Maybe sometime this summer I'll go there, this will be kind of a cool, unusual summer holiday.
Did you read anything good lately?
Are you still dreaming of Jake's Humpty Dumpty? (Seems like it from your Valentine's card. And when did you learn French? The rest of it was true though :)
Can I homschk you right now? (Sorry it slipped)
Well, I'll go to bed now, yet another night without you, how many more of these? Canimsin sen benim.

letters from the past 16

Sunday, February 15, 1998
I saw a few nice dreams about us last night. When I woke up I missed you even more than yesterday (if missing more than this is possible!) It's so funny even my skin misses you and I can't imagine how wonderful it will feel to touch you again.
I'll apply for the visa this week some time, I'm sure once I have it I won't be able to wait anymore.
Or maybe you will show up soon? Why don't we make a plan and stick with it?
How are the nights at the club going? What kind of drug your partner is on? What do you mean I wouldn't recognize you? Tell me, tell me. COOOOOOOOK.

Now it's another night that I'll go to sleep and you won't be playing guitar on the roof, I won't hear you sing right before I close my eyes. And in the morning I won't wake up next to you and kiss you before I go to work. This is exactly how I want to live!
Sorry, it just comes out sometimes.
Take care of yourself. Cok you.

letters from the past 15

Saturday, February 14, 1998 (Valentineless Valentine's Day)
Dear Bebek,
So here I am enjoying a non-working Saturday. Till Wednesday there was a shoot scheduled for today. Luckily there was a last minute change and I shot it on Thursday. It would have been the second work Saturday in a row.
I wrote to you about the disastrous director's cut that I had to redo, it turned out quiet good at the end. And everyone liked it much. So my first spot is a success (Proud of your Bebek?). Now we'll see what it will do for sales.
Did you cut anything fun lately? And how is the music going? ( Today the temperature is 15 C in Edinburgh (says CNN). I hope you are enjoying it. It's nice over here too. I'll go enjoy it now.
Another news from CNN: Adam Sandler's new movie is going to be released in summer, guess which movie it is? Wedding Singer! (not wedding band) Did you ever hear from Martin about what happened?
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Hello, it's me again. You called me a bit ago. And I think I forgot to tell you "I love you" again.
What's with the phones and me?
I really hope everything works out for you. It kills me to think that you are alone and broke all the way over there and I cannot do anything to help you. Same thing goes for me too of course and you cannot help me either. On top of all this we owe $6000+. I think this whole situation sucks. I want my Bebek.
I hope at the end it turns out this was the best thing to do for both of us

letters from the past 14

Tuesday, February 10, 1998
Sorry! I received the Valentine day's card. Canim, you remembered. Hey, can I be your Valentine? We will have so many things to celebrate when we meet: past birthdays, anniversaries, X'mas, Valentines,…And of course we have to make a trip somewhere very different and special and call it honeymoon ª
Speaking about moon, it's full moon today. I remembered one full moon I saw from your apartment's window one night. It was so big and yellow, I was speechless for a while. You were not home yet. It's funny, why my memory picks this one to remember and not something else? Just talking to myself !
I had a small size disaster today. I received the director's cut for the last spot we shot. Unbelievably, he omitted some of the crucial plans and picked the worst takes from some others. I have to re-edit the whole thing in about 6 hours tomorrow and I don't even have the VHS copies to watch in advance. I'll have a ton of fun tomorrow.
But now, I am writing to you. It's not like being with you but this is as close as I can get. Sad isn't it?
Happy Valentine's day Charley Bebek. I love you.
Why don't you grab a pen now and write a long nice letter to me. Tell me about what you are doing, what your plans are. (You may add that you are missing me too if you like J). But seriously, tell me a little about what you're thinking. Do you realize that you wrote more to Ates in that one letter that you ever wrote to me since we've been apart? I'm telling you stuff about my job and etc. You tell me too cookielo.
My letters to you are becoming my diaries. I read the first ones the other day, I felt the same way I did when I first wrote them.
I finally received news from the green card. Apparently my papers were returned to NY INS in August for correction! I don't know what that means yet. I hope nothing bad.
Take good care of your Bebek self, it's a little mine too. Don't worry about things too much (look who's talking), don't forget that I love you and need you too.
Some things are more important than others.
Cok.

letters from the past 13

Saturday, February 07, 1998
Bebeko mio,
It's good to hear that life is treating you better and you are finally working. And it's good to hear you! Canimsin sen benim. Because sometimes, especially after a long day of work when I am so tired that I can't sleep, I think I made you up. It must have been a lazy Sunday afternoon with sun shining outside; I closed my eyes and made you up. I may have said, "let him feel wonderful to touch, let him make me feel all bzzzzy even when I think of him". So my guy came to exist, but only in my dreams.
That's why I want to hear your voice more often Cookielo. Well, actually I would like to touch you more often too but…
But back to reality: You told me not to worry about Amex. How? If I don't have to worry about it, I can come over right away.
Don't give any money to Amex directly. A is going to transfer the balance to another credit card so that it's possible to pay for it in installments. So, you have to wire money to his account. If you send a British Bank check there is a check clearance fee which is higher than wire fee. I don't remember giving the bank info to you, you need all this: ..... Let me know when you send him money and how much it is, because I have to send some too.
I so want to believe you when you say don't worry. Because then not only I can come over but I can finally rent an apartment, buy a car soon etc. If I have to pay tough, I have to give up all that and some more.
I never get to tell you I love you on the phone. I don't know why. Every time I hang up I go "shoots"! I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I…
DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU?
Tell me about this cooking job of yours. I imagine you with a chef's hat and a white apron it makes me smile. I wish I could eat what you're cooking. What's on your menu? (I wish I were on it. I am sooo bad.)
My first shoot went super. I had great fun and got to homschk the babies (7 of them the first day, between 12 and 15 months old. It's when they just begin to wobble). I'll send you a copy of the stuff I worked on since I started.
I really like the job. I am working very hard though and I want someone to come home to. I am sure you know the feeling. I MISS YOU. My belly button ring misses you too. I thought you would want to know this J she wants someone to bite her off me. I would like him to be tall and good-looking, bzzzzy hands are a must and he would preferably be called C. Do you know anyone for the job? Quick, I don't know how much longer it can wait.
Any chances of you joining me in New York in April? I am planning on stocking up on Sushi and Bagels and all forms of crazy fun (can you see my horns from there?)
How come you are not writing to me Bebek? This is my 13th letter to you! You did not even send me a birthday card. You'll pay for this later. Just wait till I get my hands on you. I bet you're going to forget the Valentine's Day too, we'll see.

letters from the past 12

Saturday, January 31, 1998
Hello it's me,
How are you doing Bebek Bebek? It's been quite a long time since you last written to me. I am sure a bunch of things have changed since. It's funny, with you every time we talk there is something new. I hope your news are good and you are doing better both financially and emotionally. Don't you feel lonely, because I always think about you and love you very much. You are not alone; I can't be there physically but my thoughts are with you.
And about financially, are you making any progress in earning money? What is your plan about paying this $6000 on Amex? This whole thing is bothering me tremendously, especially because they are calling Ali's number to reach me and also because they are turning me to collection which means I may get arrested when I go to NY in April. I hope you are not ignoring it.
Are you going to US anytime soon? The last bad news is that to keep the green card, we have to make an entry every six months. Apparently they are tolerant the first time but then not a day over six months. There is a nine-day holiday in mid-April, I'll go then. Do you think it may be a good idea for you to go there for a month or so to get some work? You never had a serious money problem in NY and it may be a good idea to keep your relations with your US clients alive. Don't think that I am putting my nose in your business, but this Amex bill is a big time problem for me (the fact that my parents know about it makes it twice as big). Thinking that I may have to pay for this gives me a headache. If so, I won't be able to get a place for a year or so. I will hate you for life (I am using the word in its real sense and not in Elif sense).
My first real shoot is starting next Wednesday. It's going to be a tough week. I really like my job though. I had a baby casting session the other day, no need to tell you how much fun I had.
It's quite cold in Istanbul since last weekend. Today is the last day of Ramadan holiday. This was the holiday I was planning to come over to see you. I could have been there since Wednesday afternoon and wouldn't have to leave until tomorrow. You never sent me that letter of course. Makes me wonder if you really wanted me to come over.
Ates told me that he referred a director to you. Did he call you? He also told me about Fusun's miscarriage. That must have been devastating to them.
G is calling me often. They couldn't find a job yet and they maybe coming back in a few months if they can't. It won't be good for me of course because where will I stay in NY every six months? Also, I would like to keep the place just in case. Once they decide, I may have to find someone to sublet. It will be a little tough from here.
I saw "Copland" the other day. So so. There are a few movies that I want to see. How about you? Did you see or heard anything good recently? I can't remember what the last movie we saw together was. Sad, I can't remember the last time we went out to eat, the last time we traveled somewhere, nor the last time we made love. It must be because I never thought they would be the last times. Miss you too much.
I think I mentioned to you about the check-up I got done. They found something in the ultrasound images. It may be something malignant or nothing. I am not going to know for a couple of months. I try not to think about this and I am quite successful at it most of the time. But sometimes it hits me and makes everything meaningless.
Write to me Cookielo, it's good to touch something you sent to me.
Cok you, think about me! Don't forget the rest of the stuff that I wrote.
Kisses.

letters form the past 11

Wednesday, January 28, 1998

Hey Bebek,
It's me.
I got my first pay today. I will have to send the whole thing to Ali to start paying your Amex bill. I thought I'd share this good news with you. I won't be able to get me a place for a year. I won't be able to go out or travel. All this because you were irresponsible in spending the money that you did not have and probably will never make. I still cannot believe how easily you totally ignore this whole thing. You did not even bother to call Amex. It doesn't seem like you are trying to get a job. Did you make any plans about the payments? I really want to know what your solution is. And if you think you won't be able to pay this or you simply don't care, I want to know it too.
Other than this, everything is good and I like my job very much. I was planning to come over on Feb 13th but of course it's out of question now, I rather send that $400+ to Ali and maybe Amex people won't call him every other day (Can you understand how this makes me feel?).
You know, up until now I'd never lost hope on us. Even at our worst moments. I always thought that somehow we would fix things up. Maybe it's because I thought we cared about each other. Now I know that you don't care at all. I can't tell when you stopped or if you ever did.
It's been a good lesson for me though (and expensive). Next person, I'll know better.
Enjoy and don't you worry about anything!

me talking 7

Tuesday, February 17, 1998
I must be going through the toughest period of my life. I work so hard that I only have time to sleep outside work. I may have a lump in my ovaries. Still don't have my own place and have very little money (did not get paid yet!). Bebek is far away. And I was hoping my 31st would be better than my 30th. Tough luck.
I talked to Bebek on Valentine's Day twice. Miss him so much. And he, me. We owe $6000+ to Amex. I have to US every six months to keep the green card, which by the way was returned to NY INS from Texas for correction. I don't know what this means. We'll see.
Maybe Bebek will get a record deal and all this will be solved. Go Bebek go! Miss you so.

me talking 6

Tuesday, January 20, 1998
Work is getting hot. Busy I mean not something else, as there is not one good-looking guy in the office.
There are 4 or 5 projects running at the same time and that kind of toughens the whole process. The post facility is nice. Couple of babes over there. Both English…what's wrong with me?
I went to a college reunion yesterday. Many people did not recognize me, "good change" they said. I felt good afterwards.
On C side: He had an argument with the manager at Digital and split. I have no idea how he is going to pay the Amex bill. I sent him a serious short letter yesterday about that. He is thinking about coming over to work. Wouldn't that be great?
I went out with E the other night. I felt bad afterwards. Missed NY so much. And the big news is that now I have to go there every six months to keep the green card that by the way he is going to call the lawyer about. The earliest I can is April and it's over six months then.
Will I rent a place or just keep the money to go there and also buy the important stuff for the apartment first? Do I want to be here? E has some plans about Turkish market and said that maybe he would ask for my help. Why not? Why is life so complicated?
We got the results of the check-up, there is a little kist on one of my ovaries, which apparently is not a big deal. It's an egg that did not explode! Other things are all right.
I miss him a lot too. But now I understand how he could (and still does probably) think about sleeping with other people. I do too, rarely though.
Ates's wife had a miscarriage. That must be devastating.

letters from the past 10

Sunday, January 18, 1998

Hello Bebek,
I found out that you never called AMEX, which by the way is turning me over to collection. I am very surprised about this. Was I not clear enough in telling you that you have to make a payment promise otherwise they will not only cancel the card and ruin my credit but also give the account to a collection agency? And I am sure there is some kind of legal punishment for this.
I am going to be in New York in April. I don't want any bad surprises going through the customs. You have to clear the account by then. A couple of months ago you wrote to me that I should not worry about your ability to earn money, you don't have to say it again just show me.
I'll try to get some work for you here in Istanbul, but C please please take this seriously and do something. I already have things to worry about, don't cause me any trouble.

E

me talking 5

Thursday, January 15, 1998
So I started at S. I had to work late two days and a Saturday, and it's only been ten days!
I have absolutely no money at all. Never been this broke before.
I still don't have my complete balance yet. I get so depressed very quickly and feel totally desperate. I may need to speak to a shrink soon when I can afford it of course. Amex bill makes me very worried, very worried. I am almost certain that he will never have enough money to pay for it. It's so unfair that I will have to. I can never count on Charley, actually I can count on that he will never support me, be with me. I can say enough now, try to get a divorce or be patient and wait (for what?) and maybe some day…But I don't want to wait. Either way it looks like it's costing me $6000. No wonder I am depressed.
I shouldn't even consider going to Edinburgh and spend $500+ money, for what? I'm finding out his plans from what he wrote to Ates. For the next few years he will concentrate on music and touring… I love him very deeply and can't stop thinking that maybe if I hang tough eventually we'll be all right. Perhaps God will send me a sign.
I received a card from Geoff. So far away it seems yet so familiar and me. I can't help wondering what if? I miss them, Gary and Fraize. And New York of course. So much. All the roads I did not take where were they leading? What did I miss? Did I make the right choices?
I don't know if I want to live here and do this all my life or for longer than a year or two. I so need time to myself to figure out what to do, where to be. HELP.
At work people are totally dissatisfied with management. And the big news is there is no inflation adjustment. Whatever you get that's it till the end of the year. Which means less than half of course. It looks like I'll work very hard. I hope I enjoy it.
And than there is finding an apartment and buying stuff for it. I will have to decide if this is what I want.
The first P ad started to air yesterday. The baby is so cute. Next shoot will probably be after the Bayram. On the third. I still don't know if I should go or not. Is there hope for us? I'm sure he does not think or care about this as much as I do. I love him very much, so very much. He sent me a green pullover (velvet looking), a belly button ring and a bracelet, all very nice. And cards, really warm cards. I wish tings about us were black or white. They are not, they are from all colors. Tough.

letters from the past 9

Hello Bebek,
The producer told me a funny story about a Pampers commercial they shot a few months ago. Because Procter & Gamble is very choosy about the ads, the agency usually hires the best director for their shoots. This English director, experienced in directing babies and kids was hired. He came to Istanbul with his DP.
He insisted that the Production Company bring a box full of baby rabbits to the set, saying "I always use rabbits in kiddy commercials' sets, kids play with them and they relax". So here he was on the set, a tall English guy with jet black (dyed, he was originally blond) hair holding a rabbit to the baby's face. The result was a set full of screaming babies. What he did not know was Turkish kids don't usually have pets at home, also rabbits don't have the cute and cuddly toy image in Turkey. Babies faced with this giant long-black haired, blue eyed guy and his long blond-highlighted haired and bearded DP holding strange little furry things in their hands, were petrified and did not stop crying all day long. The shoot was postponed to the next day (you can imagine what a disaster that is for the Production Company). Needless to say the next day there was no rabbits on the set and the director kept his distance to the babies.
This is my story. I thought it was very funny and I also saw a part of behind-the -scenes tapes, you can tell something went very wrong on the set and they don't know how to fix it.


Canim, that's all I could think of right now. I sent you a post card today. I am running out of Istanbul postcards here and you still did not send any Edinburgh cards. What's going on? Is it too beautiful and you're afraid I'll come over for good?
Tell me about your plans Cookielo. You always say half a sentence about them and never finish it.
G called yesterday. They got married on December 29th, he said it was the last day of the license so they had to do it. I think they are having serious money problems and can't find a decent job. Still no news from my greencard by the way. I'm starting to get worried. After all I had to go through to get it, if something happens I'll be seriously upset.

Listen to this one from New Age magazine:
Live with intention Walk to the edge Listen hard Practice wellness Play with abandon Laugh Choose with no regret Continue to learn Appreciate your friends Do what you love LIVE AS IF THIS IS ALL THERE IS
There is a whole bunch of really cool articles, I'll write to you in details. One funny thing: apparently when you are feeling down, it helps to think that you are plugged to an energy source like Sun etc. I would like to be plugged to the Ocean, it’s such a refreshing idea, and I love it. Also, I would love to be plugged to you ¤.
I'll go fax this now. Let me know if this is a permanent fax number that I can use. That would be great.
I love you so much Cookielo, sooo much. I'm also faxing a kiss with this letter, tell me if you get it.
I thought if I can't come over for the 28th-1st, maybe I can come over for the weekend after that. It won't be as long but it will never be long enough anyway. No? I wrote about this in a letter but you will get this fax before that anyway.
Be good to your canim self. COK.

me talking 4

Sunday, December 28, 1997
On Xmas day Charley calls me to say we have to see other people. He is still mad about me but cannot hide his erection anymore, there are so many beautiful women around etc…He calls three times that day. Finally we decide that he'll try to come over in mid-January and I'll go there at the end of the month. I am so confused about this sex with other people business.
I called S and took the job. My new director said she was very worried that I wouldn't. I wish myself luck about the new job.

letters from the past 8

Thursday, January 1, 1998
Dearissimo BabyLo,
It's so warm over here, it doesn't feel like winter. It snowed for two days last month and they closed the schools! Luckily, Istanbul doesn't get NY winters.
I have a virtual dinosaur. I always thought this was a stupid thing to do, but my dad had bought it for some guests' kids and they left it here so we had to (!) take care of it. Once you start raising it you can't stop because it dies. Well, actually mine runs away from home (I guess they thought if it dies kids feel bad so they changed it). It's nine years old as of today and looks very healthy. I will have to stop when I start working and it will run away from home.
Did you send me an invitation letter yet for the visa? Say something like cousin Annie is getting married on the 29th and you are inviting me to the wedding and that I can stay with you for a few days, blah blah. I can't wait to you see youuuuuuu!
Did I tell you cok?
How were the Beau days? Did you guys think about sending me a postcard? (You did not, did you?)
They banned smoking in bars and no more smoking sections in restaurants in California. Maybe I'll move there in 2000's.

Saturday, January 03, 1998
Sometimes missing you really gets to me. It becomes a physical pain in my chest. I'm hoping that work will take most of my time and I won't think about this too much. The other night I had an extraordinary dream: I had wings, big white very cool wings and I was flying to you. Flying felt wonderful and I knew I was getting closer and closer to you, then I woke up. Isn't it terrible, even in my dreams I can't meet you!

I have a thousand New Year resolutions. If I keep half of them it will be great.
I'm watching Profiler on NBC and writing at the same time, good thing this machine corrects all the mistakes I make. Profiler is not so bad. I don't know why I never watched it in NY. I'm so glad I can watch NBC and CNN from here (there are a few European channels too) Turkish TV is unbelievable most of the time. Listen to this one: if there is a news piece about police finding a package they suspected could be a bomb, first they show pieces from Hollywood movies (Bruce Willis shooting in Die Hard, a bridge exploding God knows in which movie, Steven Seagull jumping off of a helicopter…). Can you believe this? I still can't.
I got a major check-up last week. It feels good to be able to afford health services. Hopefully everything will be clean; I'll get the results next week. Maybe you'll get one too when you come over, it's only about two hundred bucks. (I'm planning to do a major homshck-up on you first of course but that's a whole other story)
I'm going to bed now, maybe If I still have my wings I'll come over tonight J

Wednesday, January 07, 1998
This was my third day at the agency. Finally, I have a real job. I had to do a re-cut on a commercial (of all possible things- a diaper commercial with cutest babies in it), we had to leave some cute scenes out L. You know, they don't have standard lengths for spots in Turkey, they can be 57 sec if you want, and this one ended up being 44 sec! The editor was very nice (and quite handsome between you and me, this is the second good-looking editor I've seen so far, you know who the first one is)
Now the not-so-good things: the trip to Edinburgh is going to cost around $550, which I don't have now. Cookielo! I miss you so much! (Do you think stealing would be alright under these circumstances?!!!!!) What am I gonna do? They may pay us on 28th (because 29th is a major major Holiday) so that people can buy their gifts. Still it will be too late for me, because airplanes are already almost full and they wouldn't keep a reservation until the last day when there is so much demand. I can put the ticket on credit card which means I have to wire money to A to pay for it (extra $40 for wire) even if I fix the ticket, how about the visa?…Help! Enough thinking about this. How about you? Can't you wire yourself to Istanbul? If I come over I can only stay for four days, you probably can stay longer. Think about it. We have to see each other soon (have to, have to).
How are you doing money wise?
For the hundredth time: I MISS YOU.
I LOVE YOU.

letters from the past 7

Part I
Thursday, December 25, 1997
It's Christmas day. It does not feel like one over here, but people are getting ready for the New Year's Eve.
You just told me that you needed to see other people. I am writing right away because there is a million things going trough my head not to mention my heart (which is not feeling very good right now as you can imagine- then again maybe you can't imagine). First thing I have to say is you are not "my Charley" anymore. I'm not saying this in a childish anger. It's very simple, if we see other people, we are over. But from everything you told me I get the feeling that in your head and heart "we" have been over for a while.
I agree that long distance relationships are not easy, some may eventually work but most won't. Besides I don't want to have a long distance relationship anyway. I don't believe in them. Like you said, after a day of hard work I want to be in someone's arms too. But only someone I love. The difference between us is I thought we could somehow be together after a while. I thought in a year or two we can arrange our lives in the same city. I never said I have to live in Turkey from now on, I can go anywhere, who knows. And I thought for a year or so we can manage to be alone, if we get to see each other regularly. It's not so hard, we are only 3 hours away, it can even be a weekend trip. All these thoughts, plans and wishes are going down the drain. What a pity!
I know sex is a basic need. We couldn't have asked each other not to eat or sleep, so it is the same for sex. If it came to the point of exploding, there is nothing I can say about it. I am not going to say "go ahead and do it and I am OK with it". Because I am not. I am not OK with thinking of you in some girl's arms after a day of hard work (or light work for that matter). This is how relationships and love are born whether you accept it or not.
I loved you very much Bebek. But I love myself too. I am not going to put myself through the torture of knowing you are touching someone else tonight just like you held me once, telling her the same things you told me. This is just too much to ask.
Once in a tequila night, I had told you I did not sleep with enough people until now. I always thought it is an important experience and you learn something from each one. But I never thought about this all this time that you and I have been together. Maybe this is my chance at it.
This is my immediate reaction. I feel something very cold in my chest.
Something I never thought I could feel about you. Should I be happy you were honest? I don't know.
Endings are always sad, aren't they? But I don't want to hurt.
Like I said, we should do something about the marriage also.
Be safe.


Part II
Then you call again! Do you realize how long it has been since we last spoke twice a day?
Bebek, you mean so much to me. It's incredible how much I love you. And how you can make me feel wonderful or miserable with just one word or with just the tone of your voice. This is too much power for someone to have.
And I want you so much. Even the thought of your touch makes me bzzzzzz all over, not to mention the dreams I'm having.
Now about the realities of life! They gave me a list of documents needed from the British Consulate. 11 of them only!!!
The ones you can help me with are:
-A copy of your passport and the proof that you have the means to take care of me during my stay.
-A letter of invitation.
On top of all this I have to prove that I have enough money, a job, a round-trip ticket, letter from my employer showing I am on a leave for those dates, photos, money…
It is so frustrating, I can't even begin to tell you. Please help me to get a permanent visa or a British passport, so that I don't have to go through this everytime.
So the official plan is: you are faxing me a copy of your passport and a letter inviting me over saying that I can stay with you during my visit. Address it to the consulate (but send it to me, or fax it) and say that you are working for such company in such position. Once I get the visa, the plan is; I am coming over on the last week of January. From the 27th on.
I'll go fax these now. Then go out and get my pictures taken with these puffy eyes. You are an Essek and you know it.
There was a song that went "Don't sit under the apple tree with someone else" That's all I have to say.
Whatever you do (and I still rather you did not), be careful.
PS. Ates said they are shooting on the fifth and probably coming to Edinburgh on the eighth. Finally you'll get to see Fusun. And the reason Ates does not get problems with the visas is he became a citizen. He asked me about the documents for Fusun's visa. I hope everything goes well.






Part III
They say Xmas time is the worst time of the year to be alone. People tend to be more depressed and melancholic. I would hate to be alone in NY in Holiday season. But Cookielo, you are not alone. You have a family (so they are not perfect. Whose family is?) You have "Beau the maximum" who is going to be there soon (probably is there by the time you receive this) and you have me.
I'm thinking about you so much that I'm sure some kind of good energy is reaching you from me. There is an invisible love line all the way from Istanbul to Edinburgh, even people who cross it by chance get the bzzz. Didn't you hear on the news, In Vienna, a goldfish and a cat got married, they even had a church wedding. Mistral decided not to blow so hard over southern France. Santa had a press conference and said he'll be back by the end of January on a bonus tour. Khaddafi decided to leave his political career and raise daisies in his backyard. In Iraq UN inspectors found cookie factories instead of biological weapon plants. Some monks in Normandy saw the moon get really close to Earth one night and put a light kiss on North Pole. Sisko the teddy bear saw a wide smile on my face the other night while alI these things were happening. (Hey, I'm using my right to be silly, OK?)
Can you believe Woody Allen got married to Sun Yi? Mia Farrow probably checked in a clinic when she heard this. (I know this has nothing to do with what we are talking about but it was big funny news of the day)
I thought I'd send you a sexy picture of mine. This is from the days when I was going around showing my titties. I admit that there was a time like this in my past, I am not ashamed of it. It is wise to come clean before newspapers find out about it and ruin my hotshot producer career in showbiz. No?
Sunday, December 28, 1997
Bebek, I am so excited about this new job. I can't wait and at the same time I am a little nervous. It's been so long since I had a real job. And people there liked me so much (for some reason) that when I called to say I'll take the job, Selda (she's going to be my boss) said she was very worried I might turn them down and waited her fingers crossed for the whole week! It's so sweet. I hope I am what they want. (I love you. I just felt like saying it) I still didn't receive anything you sent me. Yours till Niagara falls,

me talking 3

Tuesday, December 23, 1997
I had a second meeting with S. last week. CB is the GM. 33 years old, he seemed like an OK guy. 200mil for two months 300mil afterwards. 14 months. Not so bad. It comes to ~350mil per month. I can get a decent place with that. I am going to ask them to change the first two months to 300mil. We'll see. I can't wait to start working. At the same time I feel lazy. I really hope everything turns out all right. So afraid I won't be able to handle it.
I don't know where we stand with Charley. He doesn't call or write. Last time I called (10 days ago) he sounded OK. Still angry with me about my letter. And a little distant. Now more than ever I get the feeling that it is not right and it's not going to work. I remember every time he made feel miserable. Every time he misunderstood me and did not care about me. I still love him very much. But now I can almost see myself, my life without him. He also spent almost $6000 with my AMEX and told me that he won't have money before the New Year. I really hope he pays that. I feel so stupid because I did not cancel his card last month when the balance was only $1500. I did that yesterday, too late of course.
It's almost '98. '97 has been a particularly bad year for me. I welcome '98. New country, new job…
I still pray that somehow it works between us. Really hope so. But not like the last one and a half-year. Like the very beginning. Was it my mistake that I did not tell him OK when he wanted to move here and get married? So many things would have been different. I wish…
I spoke to C agency also. Elizabeth and Feryal. No plans for hiring soon, but excited about my resume, blah, blah…I will have one last interview with M. Only because Nilos insisted.
F said she is getting 300mil, but hers decreases in the year. The least she is getting is 300mil. So mine is not a lot. My friend S is in the same building with S agency, which will be good for me.
There is still no news from my greencard. I sent two faxes to Jan Brown. No reply yet. I will call from work if I can. I also sent a letter to INS. If after all I have been through for this card, I don't get it, I'll go mad. Consulate here said they can't do anything, I have to fix this through US. They were very helpful as expected! British consulate can't even give the list of necessary papers over the phone. You have to go there and pick-up the list in person. I love this country, I love the way they treat the people in this country.

letters from the past 5

Friday, November 21, 1997
Hi again!
It's me! Are you tired of my letters yet? I hope not, because I like writing to you.
I just had the strangest interview. (You are not going to like this). I had a meeting with two producers and the creative director of the agency. The CD was kind of out there. He asked me what my sign is, if I like my father, and…whether I will consider having a fling with him or not!!!!! (I hear you going "WHAT?") He just has a different way of interviewing I guess (must be the creative loony way). So what do you think should I go for this one????
G told me that he is sending you some stuff from the IRS. Bebek, I hope this does not cause you a problem if you go there, he said it's a final notice. Also, apparently there are still some unpaid cable and gas bills.
I don't know where you are now; you may be recording in Rugby. Canim, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you (not that you need it or anything). If you become really famous can I tell everyone that I know you? J And if you get a lot of money can we sail around the world? Something like this one maybe? OK maybe a little bigger.
F is here. Her father had a heart problem, so she came back to see him. I did not see her yet but we talk. She'll stay here until December. Funny, December is only a week away. Soon it will be a brand new year Cookielo. It's a shame that I will miss Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. No turkey dinner here until New Year's Eve.

Sunday, November 23, 1997
Canim bebegimsin sen benim. I can't decide about work Bebek. I wish you were here and we could talk about it. I will have to answer the offers soon and my mind goes totally blank when I think about them.
Usually when this happens to me something very unexpected comes up, something that was not an option before and everything changes. Also, something affected me a lot, a friend of mine from elementary school died from Cancer. So young to die. It gives you a whole new perspective on life. On what is really important and what is not at all.
Did I tell you lately that I love you very much? I hope you're happy. You told me that you are feeling lonely. I can imagine that your life right now is not very easy, but at least you're working towards something you really want. And everything will be fine. So spoke Elif Nostradamus. She also said: I miss my Bebek soooo much.

Tuesday, November 25, 1997
Happy birthday Canim! Happy birthday Canim! Happy birthday, Happy birthday, Happy birthday to you!((
I dialed your number so many times today. Once a guy answered and checked your room and said you're not there. I hope you received my card at least. It felt funny not being able to talk to you on your birthday.
I burned my finger today. If I was there you would kiss it and it would feel better (It really helps!)

Wednesday, November 26, 1997
I have an important interview tomorrow. I really hope this one works out.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving by the way, it would be nice to celebrate it. I'll do that the next time.

Miss you much. Call me. Write to me. Keep on playing. Be happy.

letters from the past 4

Bebek (or should I say Monsieur Le Baron?)
The postman thinks my name is Bebek because of your letters. He has a smirk on his face when he rings the doorbell, because Bebek is not a name in Turkish, it's like being called Babe or something. He brings the letters up to the second floor, normally he would just put them in the mail box. I suppose he wants to see this strange-named girl! Speaking of Babe, I just received the T-shirt. You silly! It's the coolest thing. I love the care tag too:" Don't be naughty and wash it at forty…..wear it well. Thank you, goodbye". I hope you don't get caught for stealing it! I'm planning on wearing it this Friday night at the club, I am not responsible for the consequences.

Cookielo, I was thinking about your concert project. Once everything is set-up, you should let me know. I'll call the newspapers and magazines here, also maybe my travel agent friend will be interested in arranging a tour for this from Istanbul. People here liked Di a lot and were very touched by her death, I'm sure they will be interested.

You mentioned going to New York to get your stuff. I'm afraid I have a lot of your stuff here. Like sweaters and shirts. I already asked the post office how much it's going to cost to send them. I'll do it as soon as I get some money. I don't want to send them the regular way, just in case. Or even better, you can come here to get them!!!! This last one sounds better to me (At this point in the letter you have to picture me like the Babe on the T-shirt and with a twisted grin on my face). Come and get them! Be a man, I dare you!!! (Is it working?)

I did not take the coats and the shoes though, didn't have room for them. Your leather jacket is at my place by the way, G knows about it. Also, if you go there and get a free minute can you call Jan Brown and ask if it's normal that I did not receive my greencard at the same time as you? Maybe Julia can call Immigration and ask what happened.

I will have a second interview with B. this Friday. It may be a good place to start: it's a big name in advertising and the place seemed cozy and friendly to me. Money is not very much though, we'll see. There is another place and if it happens it will just be great. (Will you keep your fingers crossed for me?) I really want it, but I won't know for another month or so and meanwhile I'm starting to get restless and bored. I did not say anything about this second one to anyone, too afraid to jinx it.
I probably won't do TV because it's really bad. I can't begin to explain, you just have to see it. Some people are trying to lure me back into the finance but no thanks! (One guy told me that I could make up to $12,000 a month if I work for him doing forex-means foreign exchange buying and selling-) A few of my friends from university made big bucks from the stock market and everybody has stocks. Stocks are party talk.
My plan is to get a place after working for two months. This should give me enough money to get the important things for the apartment, like a stove, refrigerator, bed etc. Then, you can come over for the house warming party. (And we can do the official opening of my bed! I'm soooo bad, but it's the Scorpio in me, I can't help it.)
Meanwhile I am still going to try to come over for the New Year or end of January, which is a holiday here (if they give me a visa of course and if I can find $450)
Now I'll go and try to wipe the grin off my face. It gets stuck with me for a few days when I receive a letter from you or talk to you. How do you do this?
Tonight on Conan show they said it's snowing in New York. It's so funny, now that I'm not in US anymore I watch Jay Leno, Conan, etc. I also saw on CNN that it's 7°C in Edinburgh. Keep warm canim Bebek.
My last word to you will be……….. Homschk!¤

(La Baroness!!!!!!)

P.S. I would give anything just to hold your hand right now.

me talking 2

Saturday, December 06, 1997
I had a few interviews. I would like to get the job at S. which is more of a senior job compared to B. but so far the most likely is B. for 200mil. Not a lot huh? I will find out very soon.
About Bebek, we had a couple of very nice phone conversations. He also sent me a Babe T-shirt. But this Wednesday he called me because he received the last letter talking about the interview and the "fling". He said how could you say you love me and you're going to sleep with someone else in the same letter. He almost yelled, "don't do things like this". When I hung up I was mad. I sent him a note telling not to call me if this is the way he talks. Are we ever going to be a normal couple? Are we ever going to be a couple? Does this mean he really cares and it gets to him to think about me with someone else? Or does it mean he just doesn't want to think about me at all? I hate to say it all comes down to money. I could have gone there a few times by now; I could have gotten a place where he could stay… I forgot to buy a lotto ticket again. You never know!
If S. doesn't work out , and I have to settle down for B., I can't pay more than 75mil for rent. Where will it be for that much? Besiktas is the most logical place, but it is not the nicest place. Maybe if I don't hurry, I can get a place with a view. Am I dreaming? How about Ortakoy? I will have to check the commute from there. It maybe cheaper and there are more chances of getting a view. Uskudar has a nice view too but neighborhood is not the best one. This is not going to happen before February the earliest anyway. Maybe even March. I will have to put aside some money first. I also have to plan for taxes. If I can download the forms from Internet, I won't have to go there so early. Money, money, money.
As soon as I get the place I will start the lessons too. I hope it is not very hard to get pupils. Eventually everything will be fine. God please. Do I want to be in Turkey or do I prefer New York?
I certainly hope my 31st is happier than my 30th. I expect so much from 1998.

letters from the past 3

Saturday, November 01, 1997
Hello Guzel Bebek!
I hope your Halloween plans went well and you gathered a big crowd.
I had a very fun Halloween night myself. I went to a few bars and clubs.
Still feeling dizzy today! I went to Roxy too (the Club where Ates is playing some nights). It looks a lot likeTunnel inside only a little smaller, same kind of music though. I don't remember seeing this many foreigners around six years ago, now they are everywhere. There is a pub called Sherlock Holmes (!), where most of people were foreigners. I met a big group from Finland. They are very funny, they constantly joke about themselves being cold hearted and suicidal etc. The one thing that did not change is, if you're a girl, you don't pay! For nothing that is. And there is no point in arguing. This is just the way it is. It used to bother me a lot, still does but anyway…
My feet hurt today from dancing.
Did you realize that there were a few really nice dance songs that we never heard in US but are very popular here in Europe?
I think you told me Beau was going back this weekend. I remember how you got used to him and then feel bad when he left. Canim, now he is so close to you, I'm sure that feeling is gone.
Saturday Canim, you just caled!!! It's sooooooooo wonderful to hear your voice. Makes me bzzzzz all over. ¤JJJ¤ Just wait till I get my hands on you!!! You don't want to know all the things I am planning to do (to you). Or maybe you do…
See Me!I'm going to find out how much the plane ticket costs, we'll see when I can afford it.
Did I say coooooook?
CookieLo, I am being fed really good, so next time you see me you'll have more Bebek to play with!
You, for not paying attention to my Esek!

me waiving at you with a smiling face! (Notice I'm not wearing much, waiting for my Babe T-Shirt)
REMINDER!!!!!! Try to ask Immigration about me.
I love you.

me talking 1

October 23, 1997
Two days since I received the letter. I wish I could think about something else. Bebek cannot take my sadness anymore. I’m making him feel bad. I’m affecting his creativity. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?” He says. It’s not a bad letter. Am I just kidding myself? He repeats a few times that he loves me. It matters a lot to me. I don’t want to lose him. I am afraid of something very much. I don’t exactly know what. Being alone? Being in Turkey? Not being able to love again? Not to be loved again? From all?
I can’t stop my tears. I can’t remember the last time when I was completely happy. This is the very sadness he is talking about. But doesn’t this partially come from him? Isn’t this the feeling I remember starting almost two years ago? When I felt he stopped loving me the way he did. So much and so boundless?
Who can blame me for the way I was, though? I felt so helpless about work and money. I may have put too much on him, but who else? I know he felt the same way too, and I did not mind listening to him. I did not think he was putting too much on me or that he was making me sad. Did I lose myself in him? So much depends on money. I should remember this. Money almost means happiness. It can buy me travel, movies, theatres, books…. Thus culture and people around. I have to make a lot of money. I wish in NY I could go to a gym and that I could go out more and travel more, meet more people. This time around I am not making the same mistake. I should be able to stand up by myself but I should not be alone. I love Charley very much. I just have to know if it is right for both of us. Right now it feels like I am going to die if we break up, but I remember this feeling from Paolo. I did not die then. I know it was not exactly the same type of relationship but still, I felt bad but I lived. If we break up with Charley, will it be too late for me? To love again? It’s Turkey. But there are no boundaries. There are no “I must”’s. I do not have to be anywhere, as long as I can support myself, I can go anywhere I like. I should get a gym teacher and yoga teacher certificates. I should teach English and French. This makes me feel so much better. Working a lot will make me forget. I hope I don’t have to forget. I really hope so God. But if I have to, help me.

letters from past 2

Tuesday, October 28, 1997
Hello Canim Bebek,
It’s time to write to you again. I hope the Halloween party preparations are going well. The last time we spoke you sounded very excited about it.
I spoke to Ates yesterday (finally). He said they don’t have the fax line set up yet, but I told him about the party. He took your number and will call you. We had quite a long conversation. He told me about the market in general and also what they did and they are planning to do. In addition to video-film production they are also doing music organization (management of music groups, concerts, parties etc.). Sounds like fun, no? Apparently there is a big demand for this and not a lot of companies doing it. He said he already has a client who needs a foreign band every week. You should send Edinburgh guys over, he said English bands are popular here.
I’ll go to their office soon to meet them also I’ll go watch him play one night. He said we could talk about stuff more in details! Also he has Apo stories to tell me.
Remember I wrote to you about that all-news channel NTV that I wanted to work for? Apo pulled some of his dirty tricks and I did not get the job. I was so furious for a few days, now it’s gone. He’s still hoping that I will work for him. Not in this lifetime. Anyway, I try not to think about him.
12:08:51 PM Ü you won’t believe this but the mail guy just rang the bell and brought your cassette *! This always happens. When I call your # in NY, you call me back the same day (this happened twice) and the last time I was writing to you I received your letter!!! Now I will take a minute off to listen to my Bebekisssimo!
I’m back! It’s so cool to hear your voice BabyLo. I like the songs. What’s rough about them? I think they will be huge like this 3=======================8 and not like this 3===========8like you said¢
How are your days with Beau going? Is he at the background as you read the letter? (That’s a fun scene to imagine). J
I spoke to A the other day, he received your check. You sent him $175 instead of $270. I thought maybe you did not have money? By the time you receive this letter this month’s bill will be due too $1442. (I hate this monthly AMEX reminders of mine. Did you try to get a card from there?)
Yesterday, from the kitchen’s window, I saw four parrots on a tree! Bright green colored and big! It looked like a scene from Amazons. As you can imagine Turkey wouldn’t be considered a tropical country! It turns out a bunch of them ran away from a truck, on their way over to a pet shop. I hope they are doing fine now. Maybe I’ll get a parrot when I get my own place.
Speaking of which, I saw the apartment that my parents are planning to give me. A three bedroom, two bathroom, two balconies apartment with a lot of light. I liked it. But I still don’t know where my job will be, so I’ll wait. I think I much prefer to be near the office and avoid the traffic as much as I can. Some people spend up to four hours a day to commute to and from work. It’s outrageous.
Did I tell COK?
I had a couple of interviews last week. One is BBDO Advertising. The other is 3M, they are looking for a coordinator. The pay is about the same. I’ll have an interview with a network probably next week.
Ates tells me that networks are hard to work in because people stab each other’s back (Is there such a saying in English? I just realize that I am translating from Turkish word by word. I hope you understand the meaning.)

Thursday, October 30, 1997
Yesterday was a national holiday, (sort of 4th of July). Although it was chilly we went out for the fire works. The main streets were closed to traffic and people walked with torches, singed and danced, there were many open-air concerts around town, but the most fun thing was the world snowboard championship (Beau would have liked that). They made fake snow in one of the boulevards, people were snowboarding at night and the background was Ayasofya (the mosque that they put on every postcard) all lit up. A guy from Norway won.
I don’t think I will be able to come over for the New Year. It looks like from now on we will only be pen pals!!!! How about your plans?
- to me.
COOOOOK.

letters from the past 1

Istanbul
October 18, 1997

Hey Canim!
It’s me typing on my little Laptop (notice that I did not name it yet, … soon) and as you will see, I’m having a lot of fun.
I couldn’t get Lucy up and running yet, the monitor alone is $450 if you can believe that, and it’s not even a new one. So I decided to wait for a while and not spend the little money I have now.
Good thing the laptop works with both kind of electricity.
It’s been raining for a while, and quite a lot. I maybe growing branches and flowers if this continues. There is a hilarious thing I should tell you about. The major of Istanbul is from the radical religious party and when there was very little rain for a couple of years they first used rain bombs and then they went out for a rain pray! It must be working because it doesn’t stop raining now.
My parents are still in Bodrum and are going to be there for another week or so. This place is too big to be alone in it, so I spend a lot of time at my grandmother’s place. My uncle is here for a while which is great.
I am sorry about that infamous phone call Babylove. Believe me, I felt very bad afterwards and it did not go away until I spoke to you the last time (That always makes me feel good!©©©). It’s not true that I am not doing anything with myself, not at all. And I am so happy that you are enjoying yourself too.
I have been going out a lot (for a change). It’s strange to realize that I have this many friends. I think this was one of the missing things in New York.
Nightlife is incredible in Istanbul. I also listened to a few bands that I think you would have liked. (This was the Advertisements part of the letter)
NTV is the all news channel that I told you about. I had a sort of a brief interview there, the woman who was interviewing me told me that she heard my name from a few people (I wonder who) and basically told me that I can work in whatever department I want. She also said she needs a director urgently and will be happy if I’m interested. Me, director? I didn’t say that out loud. What she calls a director is someone who will create little news pieces about the current events like festivals, magazine news etc. The other option is foreign news, which I think is cooler except politics. So I can float around for a while until I decide which department I like most. If they give me decent money I’ll definitely give it a shot.
After I decide about where I am going to work, I’ll get a place. Preferably near work.
I already started going to a gym. It makes me feel really good and energetic. (You would be proud of me if you saw me there)
The other fun thing that I am working on is a TV series project about Sea, Sailing etc. It’s the idea of an old friend of mine. He is a serious sea person, he sails and participates to the competitions, he has several cups etc. He already has a few sponsors interested in the project, so we are trying to put a proposal (or whatever it is called) together. If it goes trough, it will be grand! We are not going to know for sure before February or so, but it’s all right. I thought you maybe interested in directing it, let me know if you would.
I am also writing a lot (as you can tell!!) and reading a lot. All these years that I didn’t write, I must have accumulated a ton of stuff inside me and they are all coming out (Kind of you and your music). It doesn’t look like anything now but I can eventually mold it to some kind of series of stories or essays.
I always forget to ask you: I have a bunch of your stuff, clothes I mean. Sweaters and shirts etc. that you might need. Let’s figure out a way to send it to you. I’m sure it gets cold over there too.
How is the loveless Sushi bandit doing? Such a cool name!
I just realized this is the first letter I ever wrote to you!
Did you ever get a chance to talk to Rafael? I hope he fixed the rent problem and paid the gas and cable bills. Also, don’t forget about AMEX bills. (I don’t know if you feel like this too, but New York and most things about it seem so far away).
Don’t forget to send me a cassette of your new stuff(, I can’t wait to listen to it. By the way the studios in Istanbul, if you are still interested in them, are rented for $25 to $60 per hour. But they said it’s negotiable.
The way you talk about Edinbourgh makes me very curious about it,
I wonder if it looks like the picture I created in my mind, I’d like to come and see it some time. When I get some money that is of course. You said something about spring being slow there, maybe I’ll come see you then, and you can come with me to Istanbul or something. Or maybe we can do something around the8 New Year4, if we both have money.
Speaking about money, are you still interested in directing at all? Shall I let you know if anything comes up?
That’s all Bebek. Keep on playing.
Yours till the cookie crumbles.