me talking 5

Thursday, January 15, 1998
So I started at S. I had to work late two days and a Saturday, and it's only been ten days!
I have absolutely no money at all. Never been this broke before.
I still don't have my complete balance yet. I get so depressed very quickly and feel totally desperate. I may need to speak to a shrink soon when I can afford it of course. Amex bill makes me very worried, very worried. I am almost certain that he will never have enough money to pay for it. It's so unfair that I will have to. I can never count on Charley, actually I can count on that he will never support me, be with me. I can say enough now, try to get a divorce or be patient and wait (for what?) and maybe some day…But I don't want to wait. Either way it looks like it's costing me $6000. No wonder I am depressed.
I shouldn't even consider going to Edinburgh and spend $500+ money, for what? I'm finding out his plans from what he wrote to Ates. For the next few years he will concentrate on music and touring… I love him very deeply and can't stop thinking that maybe if I hang tough eventually we'll be all right. Perhaps God will send me a sign.
I received a card from Geoff. So far away it seems yet so familiar and me. I can't help wondering what if? I miss them, Gary and Fraize. And New York of course. So much. All the roads I did not take where were they leading? What did I miss? Did I make the right choices?
I don't know if I want to live here and do this all my life or for longer than a year or two. I so need time to myself to figure out what to do, where to be. HELP.
At work people are totally dissatisfied with management. And the big news is there is no inflation adjustment. Whatever you get that's it till the end of the year. Which means less than half of course. It looks like I'll work very hard. I hope I enjoy it.
And than there is finding an apartment and buying stuff for it. I will have to decide if this is what I want.
The first P ad started to air yesterday. The baby is so cute. Next shoot will probably be after the Bayram. On the third. I still don't know if I should go or not. Is there hope for us? I'm sure he does not think or care about this as much as I do. I love him very much, so very much. He sent me a green pullover (velvet looking), a belly button ring and a bracelet, all very nice. And cards, really warm cards. I wish tings about us were black or white. They are not, they are from all colors. Tough.

letters from the past 9

Hello Bebek,
The producer told me a funny story about a Pampers commercial they shot a few months ago. Because Procter & Gamble is very choosy about the ads, the agency usually hires the best director for their shoots. This English director, experienced in directing babies and kids was hired. He came to Istanbul with his DP.
He insisted that the Production Company bring a box full of baby rabbits to the set, saying "I always use rabbits in kiddy commercials' sets, kids play with them and they relax". So here he was on the set, a tall English guy with jet black (dyed, he was originally blond) hair holding a rabbit to the baby's face. The result was a set full of screaming babies. What he did not know was Turkish kids don't usually have pets at home, also rabbits don't have the cute and cuddly toy image in Turkey. Babies faced with this giant long-black haired, blue eyed guy and his long blond-highlighted haired and bearded DP holding strange little furry things in their hands, were petrified and did not stop crying all day long. The shoot was postponed to the next day (you can imagine what a disaster that is for the Production Company). Needless to say the next day there was no rabbits on the set and the director kept his distance to the babies.
This is my story. I thought it was very funny and I also saw a part of behind-the -scenes tapes, you can tell something went very wrong on the set and they don't know how to fix it.


Canim, that's all I could think of right now. I sent you a post card today. I am running out of Istanbul postcards here and you still did not send any Edinburgh cards. What's going on? Is it too beautiful and you're afraid I'll come over for good?
Tell me about your plans Cookielo. You always say half a sentence about them and never finish it.
G called yesterday. They got married on December 29th, he said it was the last day of the license so they had to do it. I think they are having serious money problems and can't find a decent job. Still no news from my greencard by the way. I'm starting to get worried. After all I had to go through to get it, if something happens I'll be seriously upset.

Listen to this one from New Age magazine:
Live with intention Walk to the edge Listen hard Practice wellness Play with abandon Laugh Choose with no regret Continue to learn Appreciate your friends Do what you love LIVE AS IF THIS IS ALL THERE IS
There is a whole bunch of really cool articles, I'll write to you in details. One funny thing: apparently when you are feeling down, it helps to think that you are plugged to an energy source like Sun etc. I would like to be plugged to the Ocean, it’s such a refreshing idea, and I love it. Also, I would love to be plugged to you ¤.
I'll go fax this now. Let me know if this is a permanent fax number that I can use. That would be great.
I love you so much Cookielo, sooo much. I'm also faxing a kiss with this letter, tell me if you get it.
I thought if I can't come over for the 28th-1st, maybe I can come over for the weekend after that. It won't be as long but it will never be long enough anyway. No? I wrote about this in a letter but you will get this fax before that anyway.
Be good to your canim self. COK.

me talking 4

Sunday, December 28, 1997
On Xmas day Charley calls me to say we have to see other people. He is still mad about me but cannot hide his erection anymore, there are so many beautiful women around etc…He calls three times that day. Finally we decide that he'll try to come over in mid-January and I'll go there at the end of the month. I am so confused about this sex with other people business.
I called S and took the job. My new director said she was very worried that I wouldn't. I wish myself luck about the new job.

letters from the past 8

Thursday, January 1, 1998
Dearissimo BabyLo,
It's so warm over here, it doesn't feel like winter. It snowed for two days last month and they closed the schools! Luckily, Istanbul doesn't get NY winters.
I have a virtual dinosaur. I always thought this was a stupid thing to do, but my dad had bought it for some guests' kids and they left it here so we had to (!) take care of it. Once you start raising it you can't stop because it dies. Well, actually mine runs away from home (I guess they thought if it dies kids feel bad so they changed it). It's nine years old as of today and looks very healthy. I will have to stop when I start working and it will run away from home.
Did you send me an invitation letter yet for the visa? Say something like cousin Annie is getting married on the 29th and you are inviting me to the wedding and that I can stay with you for a few days, blah blah. I can't wait to you see youuuuuuu!
Did I tell you cok?
How were the Beau days? Did you guys think about sending me a postcard? (You did not, did you?)
They banned smoking in bars and no more smoking sections in restaurants in California. Maybe I'll move there in 2000's.

Saturday, January 03, 1998
Sometimes missing you really gets to me. It becomes a physical pain in my chest. I'm hoping that work will take most of my time and I won't think about this too much. The other night I had an extraordinary dream: I had wings, big white very cool wings and I was flying to you. Flying felt wonderful and I knew I was getting closer and closer to you, then I woke up. Isn't it terrible, even in my dreams I can't meet you!

I have a thousand New Year resolutions. If I keep half of them it will be great.
I'm watching Profiler on NBC and writing at the same time, good thing this machine corrects all the mistakes I make. Profiler is not so bad. I don't know why I never watched it in NY. I'm so glad I can watch NBC and CNN from here (there are a few European channels too) Turkish TV is unbelievable most of the time. Listen to this one: if there is a news piece about police finding a package they suspected could be a bomb, first they show pieces from Hollywood movies (Bruce Willis shooting in Die Hard, a bridge exploding God knows in which movie, Steven Seagull jumping off of a helicopter…). Can you believe this? I still can't.
I got a major check-up last week. It feels good to be able to afford health services. Hopefully everything will be clean; I'll get the results next week. Maybe you'll get one too when you come over, it's only about two hundred bucks. (I'm planning to do a major homshck-up on you first of course but that's a whole other story)
I'm going to bed now, maybe If I still have my wings I'll come over tonight J

Wednesday, January 07, 1998
This was my third day at the agency. Finally, I have a real job. I had to do a re-cut on a commercial (of all possible things- a diaper commercial with cutest babies in it), we had to leave some cute scenes out L. You know, they don't have standard lengths for spots in Turkey, they can be 57 sec if you want, and this one ended up being 44 sec! The editor was very nice (and quite handsome between you and me, this is the second good-looking editor I've seen so far, you know who the first one is)
Now the not-so-good things: the trip to Edinburgh is going to cost around $550, which I don't have now. Cookielo! I miss you so much! (Do you think stealing would be alright under these circumstances?!!!!!) What am I gonna do? They may pay us on 28th (because 29th is a major major Holiday) so that people can buy their gifts. Still it will be too late for me, because airplanes are already almost full and they wouldn't keep a reservation until the last day when there is so much demand. I can put the ticket on credit card which means I have to wire money to A to pay for it (extra $40 for wire) even if I fix the ticket, how about the visa?…Help! Enough thinking about this. How about you? Can't you wire yourself to Istanbul? If I come over I can only stay for four days, you probably can stay longer. Think about it. We have to see each other soon (have to, have to).
How are you doing money wise?
For the hundredth time: I MISS YOU.
I LOVE YOU.

letters from the past 7

Part I
Thursday, December 25, 1997
It's Christmas day. It does not feel like one over here, but people are getting ready for the New Year's Eve.
You just told me that you needed to see other people. I am writing right away because there is a million things going trough my head not to mention my heart (which is not feeling very good right now as you can imagine- then again maybe you can't imagine). First thing I have to say is you are not "my Charley" anymore. I'm not saying this in a childish anger. It's very simple, if we see other people, we are over. But from everything you told me I get the feeling that in your head and heart "we" have been over for a while.
I agree that long distance relationships are not easy, some may eventually work but most won't. Besides I don't want to have a long distance relationship anyway. I don't believe in them. Like you said, after a day of hard work I want to be in someone's arms too. But only someone I love. The difference between us is I thought we could somehow be together after a while. I thought in a year or two we can arrange our lives in the same city. I never said I have to live in Turkey from now on, I can go anywhere, who knows. And I thought for a year or so we can manage to be alone, if we get to see each other regularly. It's not so hard, we are only 3 hours away, it can even be a weekend trip. All these thoughts, plans and wishes are going down the drain. What a pity!
I know sex is a basic need. We couldn't have asked each other not to eat or sleep, so it is the same for sex. If it came to the point of exploding, there is nothing I can say about it. I am not going to say "go ahead and do it and I am OK with it". Because I am not. I am not OK with thinking of you in some girl's arms after a day of hard work (or light work for that matter). This is how relationships and love are born whether you accept it or not.
I loved you very much Bebek. But I love myself too. I am not going to put myself through the torture of knowing you are touching someone else tonight just like you held me once, telling her the same things you told me. This is just too much to ask.
Once in a tequila night, I had told you I did not sleep with enough people until now. I always thought it is an important experience and you learn something from each one. But I never thought about this all this time that you and I have been together. Maybe this is my chance at it.
This is my immediate reaction. I feel something very cold in my chest.
Something I never thought I could feel about you. Should I be happy you were honest? I don't know.
Endings are always sad, aren't they? But I don't want to hurt.
Like I said, we should do something about the marriage also.
Be safe.


Part II
Then you call again! Do you realize how long it has been since we last spoke twice a day?
Bebek, you mean so much to me. It's incredible how much I love you. And how you can make me feel wonderful or miserable with just one word or with just the tone of your voice. This is too much power for someone to have.
And I want you so much. Even the thought of your touch makes me bzzzzzz all over, not to mention the dreams I'm having.
Now about the realities of life! They gave me a list of documents needed from the British Consulate. 11 of them only!!!
The ones you can help me with are:
-A copy of your passport and the proof that you have the means to take care of me during my stay.
-A letter of invitation.
On top of all this I have to prove that I have enough money, a job, a round-trip ticket, letter from my employer showing I am on a leave for those dates, photos, money…
It is so frustrating, I can't even begin to tell you. Please help me to get a permanent visa or a British passport, so that I don't have to go through this everytime.
So the official plan is: you are faxing me a copy of your passport and a letter inviting me over saying that I can stay with you during my visit. Address it to the consulate (but send it to me, or fax it) and say that you are working for such company in such position. Once I get the visa, the plan is; I am coming over on the last week of January. From the 27th on.
I'll go fax these now. Then go out and get my pictures taken with these puffy eyes. You are an Essek and you know it.
There was a song that went "Don't sit under the apple tree with someone else" That's all I have to say.
Whatever you do (and I still rather you did not), be careful.
PS. Ates said they are shooting on the fifth and probably coming to Edinburgh on the eighth. Finally you'll get to see Fusun. And the reason Ates does not get problems with the visas is he became a citizen. He asked me about the documents for Fusun's visa. I hope everything goes well.






Part III
They say Xmas time is the worst time of the year to be alone. People tend to be more depressed and melancholic. I would hate to be alone in NY in Holiday season. But Cookielo, you are not alone. You have a family (so they are not perfect. Whose family is?) You have "Beau the maximum" who is going to be there soon (probably is there by the time you receive this) and you have me.
I'm thinking about you so much that I'm sure some kind of good energy is reaching you from me. There is an invisible love line all the way from Istanbul to Edinburgh, even people who cross it by chance get the bzzz. Didn't you hear on the news, In Vienna, a goldfish and a cat got married, they even had a church wedding. Mistral decided not to blow so hard over southern France. Santa had a press conference and said he'll be back by the end of January on a bonus tour. Khaddafi decided to leave his political career and raise daisies in his backyard. In Iraq UN inspectors found cookie factories instead of biological weapon plants. Some monks in Normandy saw the moon get really close to Earth one night and put a light kiss on North Pole. Sisko the teddy bear saw a wide smile on my face the other night while alI these things were happening. (Hey, I'm using my right to be silly, OK?)
Can you believe Woody Allen got married to Sun Yi? Mia Farrow probably checked in a clinic when she heard this. (I know this has nothing to do with what we are talking about but it was big funny news of the day)
I thought I'd send you a sexy picture of mine. This is from the days when I was going around showing my titties. I admit that there was a time like this in my past, I am not ashamed of it. It is wise to come clean before newspapers find out about it and ruin my hotshot producer career in showbiz. No?
Sunday, December 28, 1997
Bebek, I am so excited about this new job. I can't wait and at the same time I am a little nervous. It's been so long since I had a real job. And people there liked me so much (for some reason) that when I called to say I'll take the job, Selda (she's going to be my boss) said she was very worried I might turn them down and waited her fingers crossed for the whole week! It's so sweet. I hope I am what they want. (I love you. I just felt like saying it) I still didn't receive anything you sent me. Yours till Niagara falls,

me talking 3

Tuesday, December 23, 1997
I had a second meeting with S. last week. CB is the GM. 33 years old, he seemed like an OK guy. 200mil for two months 300mil afterwards. 14 months. Not so bad. It comes to ~350mil per month. I can get a decent place with that. I am going to ask them to change the first two months to 300mil. We'll see. I can't wait to start working. At the same time I feel lazy. I really hope everything turns out all right. So afraid I won't be able to handle it.
I don't know where we stand with Charley. He doesn't call or write. Last time I called (10 days ago) he sounded OK. Still angry with me about my letter. And a little distant. Now more than ever I get the feeling that it is not right and it's not going to work. I remember every time he made feel miserable. Every time he misunderstood me and did not care about me. I still love him very much. But now I can almost see myself, my life without him. He also spent almost $6000 with my AMEX and told me that he won't have money before the New Year. I really hope he pays that. I feel so stupid because I did not cancel his card last month when the balance was only $1500. I did that yesterday, too late of course.
It's almost '98. '97 has been a particularly bad year for me. I welcome '98. New country, new job…
I still pray that somehow it works between us. Really hope so. But not like the last one and a half-year. Like the very beginning. Was it my mistake that I did not tell him OK when he wanted to move here and get married? So many things would have been different. I wish…
I spoke to C agency also. Elizabeth and Feryal. No plans for hiring soon, but excited about my resume, blah, blah…I will have one last interview with M. Only because Nilos insisted.
F said she is getting 300mil, but hers decreases in the year. The least she is getting is 300mil. So mine is not a lot. My friend S is in the same building with S agency, which will be good for me.
There is still no news from my greencard. I sent two faxes to Jan Brown. No reply yet. I will call from work if I can. I also sent a letter to INS. If after all I have been through for this card, I don't get it, I'll go mad. Consulate here said they can't do anything, I have to fix this through US. They were very helpful as expected! British consulate can't even give the list of necessary papers over the phone. You have to go there and pick-up the list in person. I love this country, I love the way they treat the people in this country.

letters from the past 5

Friday, November 21, 1997
Hi again!
It's me! Are you tired of my letters yet? I hope not, because I like writing to you.
I just had the strangest interview. (You are not going to like this). I had a meeting with two producers and the creative director of the agency. The CD was kind of out there. He asked me what my sign is, if I like my father, and…whether I will consider having a fling with him or not!!!!! (I hear you going "WHAT?") He just has a different way of interviewing I guess (must be the creative loony way). So what do you think should I go for this one????
G told me that he is sending you some stuff from the IRS. Bebek, I hope this does not cause you a problem if you go there, he said it's a final notice. Also, apparently there are still some unpaid cable and gas bills.
I don't know where you are now; you may be recording in Rugby. Canim, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you (not that you need it or anything). If you become really famous can I tell everyone that I know you? J And if you get a lot of money can we sail around the world? Something like this one maybe? OK maybe a little bigger.
F is here. Her father had a heart problem, so she came back to see him. I did not see her yet but we talk. She'll stay here until December. Funny, December is only a week away. Soon it will be a brand new year Cookielo. It's a shame that I will miss Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. No turkey dinner here until New Year's Eve.

Sunday, November 23, 1997
Canim bebegimsin sen benim. I can't decide about work Bebek. I wish you were here and we could talk about it. I will have to answer the offers soon and my mind goes totally blank when I think about them.
Usually when this happens to me something very unexpected comes up, something that was not an option before and everything changes. Also, something affected me a lot, a friend of mine from elementary school died from Cancer. So young to die. It gives you a whole new perspective on life. On what is really important and what is not at all.
Did I tell you lately that I love you very much? I hope you're happy. You told me that you are feeling lonely. I can imagine that your life right now is not very easy, but at least you're working towards something you really want. And everything will be fine. So spoke Elif Nostradamus. She also said: I miss my Bebek soooo much.

Tuesday, November 25, 1997
Happy birthday Canim! Happy birthday Canim! Happy birthday, Happy birthday, Happy birthday to you!((
I dialed your number so many times today. Once a guy answered and checked your room and said you're not there. I hope you received my card at least. It felt funny not being able to talk to you on your birthday.
I burned my finger today. If I was there you would kiss it and it would feel better (It really helps!)

Wednesday, November 26, 1997
I have an important interview tomorrow. I really hope this one works out.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving by the way, it would be nice to celebrate it. I'll do that the next time.

Miss you much. Call me. Write to me. Keep on playing. Be happy.

letters from the past 4

Bebek (or should I say Monsieur Le Baron?)
The postman thinks my name is Bebek because of your letters. He has a smirk on his face when he rings the doorbell, because Bebek is not a name in Turkish, it's like being called Babe or something. He brings the letters up to the second floor, normally he would just put them in the mail box. I suppose he wants to see this strange-named girl! Speaking of Babe, I just received the T-shirt. You silly! It's the coolest thing. I love the care tag too:" Don't be naughty and wash it at forty…..wear it well. Thank you, goodbye". I hope you don't get caught for stealing it! I'm planning on wearing it this Friday night at the club, I am not responsible for the consequences.

Cookielo, I was thinking about your concert project. Once everything is set-up, you should let me know. I'll call the newspapers and magazines here, also maybe my travel agent friend will be interested in arranging a tour for this from Istanbul. People here liked Di a lot and were very touched by her death, I'm sure they will be interested.

You mentioned going to New York to get your stuff. I'm afraid I have a lot of your stuff here. Like sweaters and shirts. I already asked the post office how much it's going to cost to send them. I'll do it as soon as I get some money. I don't want to send them the regular way, just in case. Or even better, you can come here to get them!!!! This last one sounds better to me (At this point in the letter you have to picture me like the Babe on the T-shirt and with a twisted grin on my face). Come and get them! Be a man, I dare you!!! (Is it working?)

I did not take the coats and the shoes though, didn't have room for them. Your leather jacket is at my place by the way, G knows about it. Also, if you go there and get a free minute can you call Jan Brown and ask if it's normal that I did not receive my greencard at the same time as you? Maybe Julia can call Immigration and ask what happened.

I will have a second interview with B. this Friday. It may be a good place to start: it's a big name in advertising and the place seemed cozy and friendly to me. Money is not very much though, we'll see. There is another place and if it happens it will just be great. (Will you keep your fingers crossed for me?) I really want it, but I won't know for another month or so and meanwhile I'm starting to get restless and bored. I did not say anything about this second one to anyone, too afraid to jinx it.
I probably won't do TV because it's really bad. I can't begin to explain, you just have to see it. Some people are trying to lure me back into the finance but no thanks! (One guy told me that I could make up to $12,000 a month if I work for him doing forex-means foreign exchange buying and selling-) A few of my friends from university made big bucks from the stock market and everybody has stocks. Stocks are party talk.
My plan is to get a place after working for two months. This should give me enough money to get the important things for the apartment, like a stove, refrigerator, bed etc. Then, you can come over for the house warming party. (And we can do the official opening of my bed! I'm soooo bad, but it's the Scorpio in me, I can't help it.)
Meanwhile I am still going to try to come over for the New Year or end of January, which is a holiday here (if they give me a visa of course and if I can find $450)
Now I'll go and try to wipe the grin off my face. It gets stuck with me for a few days when I receive a letter from you or talk to you. How do you do this?
Tonight on Conan show they said it's snowing in New York. It's so funny, now that I'm not in US anymore I watch Jay Leno, Conan, etc. I also saw on CNN that it's 7°C in Edinburgh. Keep warm canim Bebek.
My last word to you will be……….. Homschk!¤

(La Baroness!!!!!!)

P.S. I would give anything just to hold your hand right now.

me talking 2

Saturday, December 06, 1997
I had a few interviews. I would like to get the job at S. which is more of a senior job compared to B. but so far the most likely is B. for 200mil. Not a lot huh? I will find out very soon.
About Bebek, we had a couple of very nice phone conversations. He also sent me a Babe T-shirt. But this Wednesday he called me because he received the last letter talking about the interview and the "fling". He said how could you say you love me and you're going to sleep with someone else in the same letter. He almost yelled, "don't do things like this". When I hung up I was mad. I sent him a note telling not to call me if this is the way he talks. Are we ever going to be a normal couple? Are we ever going to be a couple? Does this mean he really cares and it gets to him to think about me with someone else? Or does it mean he just doesn't want to think about me at all? I hate to say it all comes down to money. I could have gone there a few times by now; I could have gotten a place where he could stay… I forgot to buy a lotto ticket again. You never know!
If S. doesn't work out , and I have to settle down for B., I can't pay more than 75mil for rent. Where will it be for that much? Besiktas is the most logical place, but it is not the nicest place. Maybe if I don't hurry, I can get a place with a view. Am I dreaming? How about Ortakoy? I will have to check the commute from there. It maybe cheaper and there are more chances of getting a view. Uskudar has a nice view too but neighborhood is not the best one. This is not going to happen before February the earliest anyway. Maybe even March. I will have to put aside some money first. I also have to plan for taxes. If I can download the forms from Internet, I won't have to go there so early. Money, money, money.
As soon as I get the place I will start the lessons too. I hope it is not very hard to get pupils. Eventually everything will be fine. God please. Do I want to be in Turkey or do I prefer New York?
I certainly hope my 31st is happier than my 30th. I expect so much from 1998.

letters from the past 3

Saturday, November 01, 1997
Hello Guzel Bebek!
I hope your Halloween plans went well and you gathered a big crowd.
I had a very fun Halloween night myself. I went to a few bars and clubs.
Still feeling dizzy today! I went to Roxy too (the Club where Ates is playing some nights). It looks a lot likeTunnel inside only a little smaller, same kind of music though. I don't remember seeing this many foreigners around six years ago, now they are everywhere. There is a pub called Sherlock Holmes (!), where most of people were foreigners. I met a big group from Finland. They are very funny, they constantly joke about themselves being cold hearted and suicidal etc. The one thing that did not change is, if you're a girl, you don't pay! For nothing that is. And there is no point in arguing. This is just the way it is. It used to bother me a lot, still does but anyway…
My feet hurt today from dancing.
Did you realize that there were a few really nice dance songs that we never heard in US but are very popular here in Europe?
I think you told me Beau was going back this weekend. I remember how you got used to him and then feel bad when he left. Canim, now he is so close to you, I'm sure that feeling is gone.
Saturday Canim, you just caled!!! It's sooooooooo wonderful to hear your voice. Makes me bzzzzz all over. ¤JJJ¤ Just wait till I get my hands on you!!! You don't want to know all the things I am planning to do (to you). Or maybe you do…
See Me!I'm going to find out how much the plane ticket costs, we'll see when I can afford it.
Did I say coooooook?
CookieLo, I am being fed really good, so next time you see me you'll have more Bebek to play with!
You, for not paying attention to my Esek!

me waiving at you with a smiling face! (Notice I'm not wearing much, waiting for my Babe T-Shirt)
REMINDER!!!!!! Try to ask Immigration about me.
I love you.

me talking 1

October 23, 1997
Two days since I received the letter. I wish I could think about something else. Bebek cannot take my sadness anymore. I’m making him feel bad. I’m affecting his creativity. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?” He says. It’s not a bad letter. Am I just kidding myself? He repeats a few times that he loves me. It matters a lot to me. I don’t want to lose him. I am afraid of something very much. I don’t exactly know what. Being alone? Being in Turkey? Not being able to love again? Not to be loved again? From all?
I can’t stop my tears. I can’t remember the last time when I was completely happy. This is the very sadness he is talking about. But doesn’t this partially come from him? Isn’t this the feeling I remember starting almost two years ago? When I felt he stopped loving me the way he did. So much and so boundless?
Who can blame me for the way I was, though? I felt so helpless about work and money. I may have put too much on him, but who else? I know he felt the same way too, and I did not mind listening to him. I did not think he was putting too much on me or that he was making me sad. Did I lose myself in him? So much depends on money. I should remember this. Money almost means happiness. It can buy me travel, movies, theatres, books…. Thus culture and people around. I have to make a lot of money. I wish in NY I could go to a gym and that I could go out more and travel more, meet more people. This time around I am not making the same mistake. I should be able to stand up by myself but I should not be alone. I love Charley very much. I just have to know if it is right for both of us. Right now it feels like I am going to die if we break up, but I remember this feeling from Paolo. I did not die then. I know it was not exactly the same type of relationship but still, I felt bad but I lived. If we break up with Charley, will it be too late for me? To love again? It’s Turkey. But there are no boundaries. There are no “I must”’s. I do not have to be anywhere, as long as I can support myself, I can go anywhere I like. I should get a gym teacher and yoga teacher certificates. I should teach English and French. This makes me feel so much better. Working a lot will make me forget. I hope I don’t have to forget. I really hope so God. But if I have to, help me.