me talking 1
October 23, 1997
Two days since I received the letter. I wish I could think about something else. Bebek cannot take my sadness anymore. I’m making him feel bad. I’m affecting his creativity. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?” He says. It’s not a bad letter. Am I just kidding myself? He repeats a few times that he loves me. It matters a lot to me. I don’t want to lose him. I am afraid of something very much. I don’t exactly know what. Being alone? Being in Turkey? Not being able to love again? Not to be loved again? From all?
I can’t stop my tears. I can’t remember the last time when I was completely happy. This is the very sadness he is talking about. But doesn’t this partially come from him? Isn’t this the feeling I remember starting almost two years ago? When I felt he stopped loving me the way he did. So much and so boundless?
Who can blame me for the way I was, though? I felt so helpless about work and money. I may have put too much on him, but who else? I know he felt the same way too, and I did not mind listening to him. I did not think he was putting too much on me or that he was making me sad. Did I lose myself in him? So much depends on money. I should remember this. Money almost means happiness. It can buy me travel, movies, theatres, books…. Thus culture and people around. I have to make a lot of money. I wish in NY I could go to a gym and that I could go out more and travel more, meet more people. This time around I am not making the same mistake. I should be able to stand up by myself but I should not be alone. I love Charley very much. I just have to know if it is right for both of us. Right now it feels like I am going to die if we break up, but I remember this feeling from Paolo. I did not die then. I know it was not exactly the same type of relationship but still, I felt bad but I lived. If we break up with Charley, will it be too late for me? To love again? It’s Turkey. But there are no boundaries. There are no “I must”’s. I do not have to be anywhere, as long as I can support myself, I can go anywhere I like. I should get a gym teacher and yoga teacher certificates. I should teach English and French. This makes me feel so much better. Working a lot will make me forget. I hope I don’t have to forget. I really hope so God. But if I have to, help me.
Two days since I received the letter. I wish I could think about something else. Bebek cannot take my sadness anymore. I’m making him feel bad. I’m affecting his creativity. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?” He says. It’s not a bad letter. Am I just kidding myself? He repeats a few times that he loves me. It matters a lot to me. I don’t want to lose him. I am afraid of something very much. I don’t exactly know what. Being alone? Being in Turkey? Not being able to love again? Not to be loved again? From all?
I can’t stop my tears. I can’t remember the last time when I was completely happy. This is the very sadness he is talking about. But doesn’t this partially come from him? Isn’t this the feeling I remember starting almost two years ago? When I felt he stopped loving me the way he did. So much and so boundless?
Who can blame me for the way I was, though? I felt so helpless about work and money. I may have put too much on him, but who else? I know he felt the same way too, and I did not mind listening to him. I did not think he was putting too much on me or that he was making me sad. Did I lose myself in him? So much depends on money. I should remember this. Money almost means happiness. It can buy me travel, movies, theatres, books…. Thus culture and people around. I have to make a lot of money. I wish in NY I could go to a gym and that I could go out more and travel more, meet more people. This time around I am not making the same mistake. I should be able to stand up by myself but I should not be alone. I love Charley very much. I just have to know if it is right for both of us. Right now it feels like I am going to die if we break up, but I remember this feeling from Paolo. I did not die then. I know it was not exactly the same type of relationship but still, I felt bad but I lived. If we break up with Charley, will it be too late for me? To love again? It’s Turkey. But there are no boundaries. There are no “I must”’s. I do not have to be anywhere, as long as I can support myself, I can go anywhere I like. I should get a gym teacher and yoga teacher certificates. I should teach English and French. This makes me feel so much better. Working a lot will make me forget. I hope I don’t have to forget. I really hope so God. But if I have to, help me.
posted by Goldfish @ 3:33 AM
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