me talking 5
Thursday, January 15, 1998
So I started at S. I had to work late two days and a Saturday, and it's only been ten days!
I have absolutely no money at all. Never been this broke before.
I still don't have my complete balance yet. I get so depressed very quickly and feel totally desperate. I may need to speak to a shrink soon when I can afford it of course. Amex bill makes me very worried, very worried. I am almost certain that he will never have enough money to pay for it. It's so unfair that I will have to. I can never count on Charley, actually I can count on that he will never support me, be with me. I can say enough now, try to get a divorce or be patient and wait (for what?) and maybe some day…But I don't want to wait. Either way it looks like it's costing me $6000. No wonder I am depressed.
I shouldn't even consider going to Edinburgh and spend $500+ money, for what? I'm finding out his plans from what he wrote to Ates. For the next few years he will concentrate on music and touring… I love him very deeply and can't stop thinking that maybe if I hang tough eventually we'll be all right. Perhaps God will send me a sign.
I received a card from Geoff. So far away it seems yet so familiar and me. I can't help wondering what if? I miss them, Gary and Fraize. And New York of course. So much. All the roads I did not take where were they leading? What did I miss? Did I make the right choices?
I don't know if I want to live here and do this all my life or for longer than a year or two. I so need time to myself to figure out what to do, where to be. HELP.
At work people are totally dissatisfied with management. And the big news is there is no inflation adjustment. Whatever you get that's it till the end of the year. Which means less than half of course. It looks like I'll work very hard. I hope I enjoy it.
And than there is finding an apartment and buying stuff for it. I will have to decide if this is what I want.
The first P ad started to air yesterday. The baby is so cute. Next shoot will probably be after the Bayram. On the third. I still don't know if I should go or not. Is there hope for us? I'm sure he does not think or care about this as much as I do. I love him very much, so very much. He sent me a green pullover (velvet looking), a belly button ring and a bracelet, all very nice. And cards, really warm cards. I wish tings about us were black or white. They are not, they are from all colors. Tough.
So I started at S. I had to work late two days and a Saturday, and it's only been ten days!
I have absolutely no money at all. Never been this broke before.
I still don't have my complete balance yet. I get so depressed very quickly and feel totally desperate. I may need to speak to a shrink soon when I can afford it of course. Amex bill makes me very worried, very worried. I am almost certain that he will never have enough money to pay for it. It's so unfair that I will have to. I can never count on Charley, actually I can count on that he will never support me, be with me. I can say enough now, try to get a divorce or be patient and wait (for what?) and maybe some day…But I don't want to wait. Either way it looks like it's costing me $6000. No wonder I am depressed.
I shouldn't even consider going to Edinburgh and spend $500+ money, for what? I'm finding out his plans from what he wrote to Ates. For the next few years he will concentrate on music and touring… I love him very deeply and can't stop thinking that maybe if I hang tough eventually we'll be all right. Perhaps God will send me a sign.
I received a card from Geoff. So far away it seems yet so familiar and me. I can't help wondering what if? I miss them, Gary and Fraize. And New York of course. So much. All the roads I did not take where were they leading? What did I miss? Did I make the right choices?
I don't know if I want to live here and do this all my life or for longer than a year or two. I so need time to myself to figure out what to do, where to be. HELP.
At work people are totally dissatisfied with management. And the big news is there is no inflation adjustment. Whatever you get that's it till the end of the year. Which means less than half of course. It looks like I'll work very hard. I hope I enjoy it.
And than there is finding an apartment and buying stuff for it. I will have to decide if this is what I want.
The first P ad started to air yesterday. The baby is so cute. Next shoot will probably be after the Bayram. On the third. I still don't know if I should go or not. Is there hope for us? I'm sure he does not think or care about this as much as I do. I love him very much, so very much. He sent me a green pullover (velvet looking), a belly button ring and a bracelet, all very nice. And cards, really warm cards. I wish tings about us were black or white. They are not, they are from all colors. Tough.
posted by Goldfish @ 1:31 AM
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