letters from the past 19
Part One
March 22, 1998
Hello,
This is going to be a serious letter, you may want to read it when you're in the mood for it.
I thought I'd wait until I see you but now that I am still not sure if I will be able to come over maybe I should write.
You will remember that when you wanted to break-up last fall and when you called me in Xmas to tell me that you want to sleep around, I kept telling and writing that we should hang on for just a little longer and eventually everything would be fine. Well, now I want to know when that "eventually" will actually be "right now".
In your letter to Ates that you asked me to read, you were saying that for the next few years you want to travel and be with your music only. I would like to say this is just wonderful but I am afraid it's not so wonderful for me. If this is your plan, it might be a good time to tell me. It sounds terrible but I don't think I could wait for you for a few years, because now it's been eight months apart and I know how hard it is and I cannot deal with it for years and years.
Also, I want a perfect life now, and I started already. I have a job I like; I can get a place soon; I will have money to travel; I will have money to pay for the classes I want to take; and maybe just maybe (this is the scary one) I may want to have a kid in the next few years, etc. This whole thing may be too much for you to take in at once (or in pieces for that matter) and you may not want to take part in it for now or for the next few years or ever. If this is the case, if in fact you cannot join me right now or very soon I have to know this.
To be totally honest, I know by now that I cannot count on you for making plans and following them and I know that in many ways you are not a 33 years old guy. You may choose to never grove up and never take any responsibilities in life, you may choose to never put a root anywhere or put them somewhere else than near me. These are all very serious decisions you will have to make, then again you may choose not to make any decisions. The point I want to make is that right now everything about us is totally up to you. I do not want to be in the dark about our future. We are either on, which means we are physically together or off which means anything and everything else.
One very important other problem is the Amex debt. You did not pay a dime since August, which is almost a year ago. All this time that I have been asking what you are going to do about it I never got a satisfactory answer which means you did not give this a priority in your life nor you are planning to get extra work or go somewhere else where you can get more work to pay for it. For your information by the way, I started to pay for it, which is putting a lot of my plans on hold. Why do I have to worry about this debt that I did not do is beyond me. And the worst thing about is that I had to find about this by fax from A. I mean, you did not even bother to call me and tell me " Bebek, I used the card because I had to and I don't have the money right now but I going to pay for it". You never said "don't worry, I'm working on it". If I had not asked you, you were not going to tell me. Even now, when I say that it will ruin my life for a long while you never say "you don't have to deal with this, I will take care of it".
Come to think of it, you never said this for anything at anytime…to me that is. And I always did. Does this make me stupid or you insensitive? I still remember the night I was feeling very sick and you said that you were coming over to bring me soup and stay with me, the next thing I know you are calling from a bar, telling me you can't make it.
I am aware that we come from different cultures and family structures and we don't always understand each other completely, things don't mean the same things to both of us and this is normal and OK. And I am very much aware that this is your life and of course you will be careful about making a big decision. I am sorry to put this kind of pressure on you but I just have to know where we stand. And that you love me and that you miss me and all the other sweet things you say are wonderful (and right back at you) but I need more.
This is pretty much all I have to say. You may wonder why I still hope to be together if I had all these bad experiences, memories, doubts and there are some things about your character that worry me when I think about us in the long run. What can I say? I am just a hopeless optimist… It's because it feels so good to be with you (love is the priority) and I am not even going to mention how it feels to touch you that I think we will be just fine if you could help being less selfish at times. Wonderful to be exact. And I also think we complement each other in many ways.
Let me know if I should still try to come over or under these new circumstances maybe you think I shouldn't?
Whatever you decide or don't decide (and I so so so hope that you give us a real chance) I hope everything turns out the way you want.
I will be waiting to hear from you. Cok you either way.
(And in case we are still on, just a few news from your Bebek: I have a big shoot coming up right before the holidays. So the two weeks ahead are going to be hectic. Meetings every day. The director is a British guy. I did not meet him yet but they say he is very easy to work with and he is a good director. This is not a very fun spot we are shooting, it's just a washing machine endorsed detergent. But there is one coming up after the holidays, which we are probably going to shoot in Antalya. Now that is going to be fun, kids and everything. I took your reel from ANS. But it's NTSC also I think this is your editor's reel. Do you have a goodier one now?
Did I tell you how many Unagis I ate in NY? Well, many many! Do they have many Japanese restaurants in Edinburgh?)
E
March 28, 1998
It's me again. Now that I have a firm reservation on the plane, I thought maybe I should give this to you in person. Also, I did not want to pass on the opportunity to have a great time for a week. I've been missing you for long and much. But everything I wrote above is still waiting to be answered.
Love,
E
March 22, 1998
Hello,
This is going to be a serious letter, you may want to read it when you're in the mood for it.
I thought I'd wait until I see you but now that I am still not sure if I will be able to come over maybe I should write.
You will remember that when you wanted to break-up last fall and when you called me in Xmas to tell me that you want to sleep around, I kept telling and writing that we should hang on for just a little longer and eventually everything would be fine. Well, now I want to know when that "eventually" will actually be "right now".
In your letter to Ates that you asked me to read, you were saying that for the next few years you want to travel and be with your music only. I would like to say this is just wonderful but I am afraid it's not so wonderful for me. If this is your plan, it might be a good time to tell me. It sounds terrible but I don't think I could wait for you for a few years, because now it's been eight months apart and I know how hard it is and I cannot deal with it for years and years.
Also, I want a perfect life now, and I started already. I have a job I like; I can get a place soon; I will have money to travel; I will have money to pay for the classes I want to take; and maybe just maybe (this is the scary one) I may want to have a kid in the next few years, etc. This whole thing may be too much for you to take in at once (or in pieces for that matter) and you may not want to take part in it for now or for the next few years or ever. If this is the case, if in fact you cannot join me right now or very soon I have to know this.
To be totally honest, I know by now that I cannot count on you for making plans and following them and I know that in many ways you are not a 33 years old guy. You may choose to never grove up and never take any responsibilities in life, you may choose to never put a root anywhere or put them somewhere else than near me. These are all very serious decisions you will have to make, then again you may choose not to make any decisions. The point I want to make is that right now everything about us is totally up to you. I do not want to be in the dark about our future. We are either on, which means we are physically together or off which means anything and everything else.
One very important other problem is the Amex debt. You did not pay a dime since August, which is almost a year ago. All this time that I have been asking what you are going to do about it I never got a satisfactory answer which means you did not give this a priority in your life nor you are planning to get extra work or go somewhere else where you can get more work to pay for it. For your information by the way, I started to pay for it, which is putting a lot of my plans on hold. Why do I have to worry about this debt that I did not do is beyond me. And the worst thing about is that I had to find about this by fax from A. I mean, you did not even bother to call me and tell me " Bebek, I used the card because I had to and I don't have the money right now but I going to pay for it". You never said "don't worry, I'm working on it". If I had not asked you, you were not going to tell me. Even now, when I say that it will ruin my life for a long while you never say "you don't have to deal with this, I will take care of it".
Come to think of it, you never said this for anything at anytime…to me that is. And I always did. Does this make me stupid or you insensitive? I still remember the night I was feeling very sick and you said that you were coming over to bring me soup and stay with me, the next thing I know you are calling from a bar, telling me you can't make it.
I am aware that we come from different cultures and family structures and we don't always understand each other completely, things don't mean the same things to both of us and this is normal and OK. And I am very much aware that this is your life and of course you will be careful about making a big decision. I am sorry to put this kind of pressure on you but I just have to know where we stand. And that you love me and that you miss me and all the other sweet things you say are wonderful (and right back at you) but I need more.
This is pretty much all I have to say. You may wonder why I still hope to be together if I had all these bad experiences, memories, doubts and there are some things about your character that worry me when I think about us in the long run. What can I say? I am just a hopeless optimist… It's because it feels so good to be with you (love is the priority) and I am not even going to mention how it feels to touch you that I think we will be just fine if you could help being less selfish at times. Wonderful to be exact. And I also think we complement each other in many ways.
Let me know if I should still try to come over or under these new circumstances maybe you think I shouldn't?
Whatever you decide or don't decide (and I so so so hope that you give us a real chance) I hope everything turns out the way you want.
I will be waiting to hear from you. Cok you either way.
(And in case we are still on, just a few news from your Bebek: I have a big shoot coming up right before the holidays. So the two weeks ahead are going to be hectic. Meetings every day. The director is a British guy. I did not meet him yet but they say he is very easy to work with and he is a good director. This is not a very fun spot we are shooting, it's just a washing machine endorsed detergent. But there is one coming up after the holidays, which we are probably going to shoot in Antalya. Now that is going to be fun, kids and everything. I took your reel from ANS. But it's NTSC also I think this is your editor's reel. Do you have a goodier one now?
Did I tell you how many Unagis I ate in NY? Well, many many! Do they have many Japanese restaurants in Edinburgh?)
E
March 28, 1998
It's me again. Now that I have a firm reservation on the plane, I thought maybe I should give this to you in person. Also, I did not want to pass on the opportunity to have a great time for a week. I've been missing you for long and much. But everything I wrote above is still waiting to be answered.
Love,
E
posted by Goldfish @ 7:02 AM
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