me talking 12

Sunday, October 04, 1998
It's raining cats and dogs. So dark and wild outside. And tomorrow we had a shoot outdoors. Not anymore of course, after a few phone calls today, it's canceled. It's a wonderful view from the window. I just did the dishes and I will have to go out at one point for some grocery shopping.
I did not talk to C since Friday when he said he was invited to a dinner party and couldn't come with me to see a movie. We spent Wednesday night together, he called and told me he got a recording deal. Great news of course. We met later and apparently I knocked him off his cloud first but the rest of the night was great. Then no news for 2 days. D mentioned something about him fighting that guy A because of a girl!
I sent $1200 to Ali, $500 of it from C.

me talking 12

Monday, September 28, 1998
We spent half the Sunday together, painting his window frames. The plan, I thought, was to spend the whole day but he preferred watching the Grandprix. It did not bother me that much. Should it?
Anyway, I shouldn't make too much of Charley and me, just plain fun nothing more…
We had the Apollo Q&R PPM today, 3,5 hours only. The Mountain Breeze shoot tomorrow.
Life is not very exciting lately. What to do?
G started to work at ANS! Total reversal of lives between us. He said AP is there right now. Makes me want to puke. Still no news from my green card.
I saw a movie called Marquise. Bad.

me talking 11

Saturday, September 26, 1998
It's the last Saturday of September. Last week we had some bad weather but today is so nice, just like Fall should be. I went out for breakfast with newspapers, came back, called Bodrum, took a nap… Lazy day. C did not call yesterday and so far today. I am OK right now but I will have to find people to hang out with soon or life will get very boring soon.
C thinks I don't like and don't make an effort to like his friends. I don't think it's true. But I told him that I don't worry about things like this about us anymore because we are not like before we only get together once a month so we shouldn't analyze things this much anymore, it's not like we have a future together. I don't know if he got that but the rest of the night was wonderful. We even sang together. Now as I am writing this I think, "these details will hurt me to read in the future when we break up again". He told me how he always wondered about his mother's death and how no one gave them an explanation then. He thinks most of his psychological problems come from that.
He gave me (+-) $500 for Amex.
Grandmother and Aunt went to Orhangazi for the weekend. They enjoy that a lot.
I should go out and do some shopping. And what is the plan for tonight? I don't think he will call so I should think about a movie or something.

me talking 11

Friday, September 25, 1998
So many things happened again. I went to NY and came back…unfortunately.
C came and stayed. He worked in a festival organization, moved to a new place recently.
He is the same and if I were writing this a week ago, I would say I truly hate him. Life is not going to be easy. We spent the last night together and we love each other very obviously. I don't know what to do.
Work is as hectic as it can get. Apollo Q&R, Ariel and Prima copies coming up.
My parents are in Bodrum.
The reason why I couldn't write before was that the laptop was at C's.
Will go now, so tired because he slept here with me last night and we couldn't sleep.

me talking 10

Saturday, June 27, 1998
My father had a small operation. Two of his veins were opened with a balloon. He is feeling well now. He has to be careful from now on. Also the good news is that there is no smoking in the house anymore.
C is flying to Bodrum on Monday. He'll be there for a week and attend Ates's club opening and then come over here. I am nervous about this whole thing.
I have to go to NY before July 18th, but there is no room on the planes. What a nightmare.
Work is going to be hectic for the next week. A surprise shoot: Q&R, lots of editing stuff…
If there is an opening next week on the planes shall I go?
It is getting really hot. I don't know how he is going to stand this heat. I saw a place renting rooms in Harbiye, the rooms look like the places he lived in Edinburgh. Hopefully he'll have work soon and won't have to stay there long. I wish he could start off better but he worries about money and he is right about it. Would it work this time? Will we be happy?

me talking 9

Sunday, May 24, 1998
I call him to ask how he is doing and find out he found a job as editor. He is going to make enough money to pay most of Amex and then come over here. He says the music time is over and he now realizes that it was one of his manic-depressive stages. He wants to see a doctor, he wants someplace to call home and he wants me.
Why do I love him, I'll never know. Do I want him, I don't know.
It may be a good idea to meet in NY and see how we feel. He wants to see a doctor over there, the last one he saw before he left. I was not crazy about his recommendations. It may also be a good chance to get a divorce. I did not tell him about that yet.
Maybe I should see a doctor too maybe the same one.
I don't trust him at all. I almost know he is going to leave again soon. But even the remotest thought of "happy together forever" is so…
At work, S left for M T, E is leaving for Switzerland, S is promoted. I work hard.
I had sort of a one-night stand with a German guy, Oliver, from. We did not really do it, but came pretty close. It could have turned into something but his pregnant wife showed up! They had broken up but she wants him back, they don't know whose kid it is by the way. And C reemerged!
God help me.
A is here for a month, which is really cool.

letters from the past 21

Monday, May 18, 1998
Hello Bebek,
I just looked up how many letters I wrote to you. This is the 19th. There are three of them that I never sent. I think it's time for the following two. You will see from the dates on them when they were written. Read them first then come back to this, would you?

Now you know how felt right before I came to Edinburgh and right after you told me you decided (or re-decided) to come over to Istanbul.
And to tell you the truth, I still feel very wounded about this relationship. You hurt me and let me down knowingly so many times. I see no reason why you should be different now. How do I know you won't just leave in a month or so?
The only difference that I see (( you are exactly the same as you used to be…just kidding) is that you use to push me away when you were feeling down, and now you seem to need me. I will gladly always be there for you, can you say the same for me? I don't know.
This time is no joke. It's not just a "let's go to Istanbul and it will be fun". It's real life and I don't want you to run away at the first obstacle. It's not going to be peachy at
first but I can promise it will be grand in a year or two. I have to know that you will stick with me through the hard times.
We will have to figure out a way to please my parents about this whole thing and it is not going to be easy. And you will have to do the biggest part of this because you ruined what could have been a really good relationship between you and them.

I know these are not the things you want to hear from me now. You want me to tell you everything will be all right and that I love you and miss you and I can't wait to see you. Well, yes yes yes to all those. But I still won't be with you if you don't show me that you can take responsibility of your life and that I can count on you.

Let me know what the doctor thinks about you. I hope you solved the drinking problem. If not, do you think you should talk about this too?
I read that sun is good for psoriasis, now that it's summer maybe you should take regular sun bathes? And what is the other problem you are having with your skin?

We will talk in details about what kind of a place you want and how much you want to pay for it. I still think you should get a furnished place for a month or two, until you decide where you want to be (Istanbul is so widely spread, you'll be surprised) and start buying the basic appliances and furniture. It also makes a big difference whether you have a car or not. I know it is a long way but maybe you should consider bringing Lucy over or sell it put some more money and buy another one?

Don't worry about things Bebek. Just try to think clearly. What you are doing now, editing I mean is really going to help you solve a lot of financial problems and will help you move here and make a home and start a new life, so as much as you don't like it it's the first step you have to take. Don't let it get you down at the contrary think of it as a great opportunity, remember how desperate it looked just a month ago.
There is one more option I will mention. You won't like it. I don't know how much money you will get at the end of this six week job, but I know that you owe a little over $6000 not counting the part that I paid since November. You may want to clear this all together before you come over. And also you should have $5000 to $10000 with you so that you are comfortable until you are set up here. So, if another job comes up in Edinburgh I think you should take it. (I knew you wouldn't like this idea, but please consider it.) I will not be here for a part of July and it may be best if you waited until I came back. In August my parents won't be in Istanbul so I can spend more time with you and look for a place etc.

I love you very much and won't leave you alone. All I am asking you is to try to think about the long term and see where you want to be, not do anything in the spur of the moment because you want a change in your life or because there is a crisis and you just want out. It's your life Baby and it's time to arrange it. There is a chance it will be wonderful. All in your hands.

I will stop before I sound too much like an R&B song or a shrink.
Don't answer all this right away because then I'll know you did not think in depth about them.

E
(Wouldn't it be funny if the signature was Andrea or something and the letter was sent to the wrong address and was meant to a different person?)

letters from the past 20

Part Two
5/8/98 11:06:05 PM
Hello Charley,
This is probably is not the ideal time of the day for me to write a serious letter to you but I thought what the heck I'll edit it if I have to (which is just kidding myself because I know I won't have time for it).
When I came back from Edinburgh I was in a very bad shape. It's because I was very concerned about you: your physical and mental health also because something felt very wrong between us. There have been times like this before when I tried to be closer to you and you just wouldn't let me. The only difference now is that I won't try anymore. I am tired of trying to understand every strange thing you do, all of them very selfish and all the decisions you make changing overnight everything we planned together. I am not going to just be somewhere for you so that you can come and go, say you will be there then disappear for months then change your mind and call me over then be distant then change your mind again and come over…and God knows what else next.
I can not trust you nor count on you for anything. I don't think you ever thought about us in making any decisions. I have been disappointed so many times. I may even be late in saying no. Looking back at the last two years, I remember so many instances when I was miserable because of us. Why insist? You told me more than a few times that you don't want me anymore (then took it back, it's so you!). I cannot deal with your ups and downs anymore. I have mine too, but I never turned them on you, my up and downs never hurt our relationship, at the contrary I always turned to you when I felt down and thought it would help to be close which it did. You on the other hand tried to put the blame on me every time you felt bad about yourself, your job, and your life.
At this point in my life, from now on I should say, I want things to be smooth in my life. I want to be able to trust the person I am with. I don't want to worry about a ghost-boyfriend who may show-up or not, even if he shows up he won't stay long and I'll never know what will become of us the next morning. I don't feel I have that strength anymore.
I am sorry that I am not sharing your enthusiasm about coming to Turkey. To be with me, you are 8 months late. And what could have been fantastic 8 months ago, just is not anymore. I wish things turned out different then they did but I did all I could to save this relationship and saw that it's not enough coming from one side only. We all pay for the wrong decisions we make; I am not going to pay for the decisions you made though.
I love you very much and I really really wish there could be an "us".
I'll keep in touch and I hope that you pay your debt soon.
Love,
E

me talking 8

Saturday, April 18, 1998
I went to Edinburgh to see him. It wasn't easy, now my father is not talking to me and my mother is only talking to yell and complain. C looks and lives like a homeless guy, doesn't have a penny. He doesn't want to leave that place and have a normal life. What he is after is a record deal and I don't know how he will get it. Not that his music is bad, but these things are so hard and he is not 18 anymore. Psoriasis is all over his body now and he is not happy. I told him that this was the last time we were seeing each other and he told me "how can you say that?" and that was it. Now I am left with a marriage and over $6000 to pay. I have got to get out of this place though. Living with my parents is killing me slowly, and they are not happy either. The problem is I won't have the money anytime soon. (Shouldn't forget to play Lotto regularly). It turns out I spent $622 in NY. I thought it was only $300. Stupid me.
Life is being very hard on me. C was the biggest mistake of my life and now how long will it take me to recover from it?
I am still hoping that somehow he will come to his senses or hopefully get a record deal in deed and pay for his debt. Amex is cancelled and they may report this to credit agencies.
My mother is telling me that I shamed them by sleeping with men that I was not married to. How dare they get so far into my privacy? They don't even understand that there is something called privacy. I may have hurt them by not telling them some things but were they tellable?
Sometimes I think that maybe staying at ANS (away from here) would have been better. The only thing that's working in my life is my job right now and it's taking a lot of my time. And coming home at night is a nightmare. A friend of B is looking for a roommate. The place looks nice from outside. But I won't be able to afford it for a while if I want to pay these debts. I will have to go to NY before July 18th, and I hope I can fix this green-card problem then. It's going to cost me a lot. Everything I have done for the last few years is costing me a lot in fact.
I have a lot of gray hair on my head. My face and my neck are breaking out. I am not happy damned. I need money, more than what I am making now and quick.
If I give him enough money to go to London to get some editing jobs, he may be able to pay me some. But would I be pushing myself deeper into the debt I don't know.
I am afraid I am going to explode somehow or that a health problem would arise.
Hopefully sometime very soon, I will look at these and say, "glad it's over".

letters from the past 19

Part One
March 22, 1998
Hello,
This is going to be a serious letter, you may want to read it when you're in the mood for it.
I thought I'd wait until I see you but now that I am still not sure if I will be able to come over maybe I should write.
You will remember that when you wanted to break-up last fall and when you called me in Xmas to tell me that you want to sleep around, I kept telling and writing that we should hang on for just a little longer and eventually everything would be fine. Well, now I want to know when that "eventually" will actually be "right now".
In your letter to Ates that you asked me to read, you were saying that for the next few years you want to travel and be with your music only. I would like to say this is just wonderful but I am afraid it's not so wonderful for me. If this is your plan, it might be a good time to tell me. It sounds terrible but I don't think I could wait for you for a few years, because now it's been eight months apart and I know how hard it is and I cannot deal with it for years and years.
Also, I want a perfect life now, and I started already. I have a job I like; I can get a place soon; I will have money to travel; I will have money to pay for the classes I want to take; and maybe just maybe (this is the scary one) I may want to have a kid in the next few years, etc. This whole thing may be too much for you to take in at once (or in pieces for that matter) and you may not want to take part in it for now or for the next few years or ever. If this is the case, if in fact you cannot join me right now or very soon I have to know this.
To be totally honest, I know by now that I cannot count on you for making plans and following them and I know that in many ways you are not a 33 years old guy. You may choose to never grove up and never take any responsibilities in life, you may choose to never put a root anywhere or put them somewhere else than near me. These are all very serious decisions you will have to make, then again you may choose not to make any decisions. The point I want to make is that right now everything about us is totally up to you. I do not want to be in the dark about our future. We are either on, which means we are physically together or off which means anything and everything else.
One very important other problem is the Amex debt. You did not pay a dime since August, which is almost a year ago. All this time that I have been asking what you are going to do about it I never got a satisfactory answer which means you did not give this a priority in your life nor you are planning to get extra work or go somewhere else where you can get more work to pay for it. For your information by the way, I started to pay for it, which is putting a lot of my plans on hold. Why do I have to worry about this debt that I did not do is beyond me. And the worst thing about is that I had to find about this by fax from A. I mean, you did not even bother to call me and tell me " Bebek, I used the card because I had to and I don't have the money right now but I going to pay for it". You never said "don't worry, I'm working on it". If I had not asked you, you were not going to tell me. Even now, when I say that it will ruin my life for a long while you never say "you don't have to deal with this, I will take care of it".
Come to think of it, you never said this for anything at anytime…to me that is. And I always did. Does this make me stupid or you insensitive? I still remember the night I was feeling very sick and you said that you were coming over to bring me soup and stay with me, the next thing I know you are calling from a bar, telling me you can't make it.
I am aware that we come from different cultures and family structures and we don't always understand each other completely, things don't mean the same things to both of us and this is normal and OK. And I am very much aware that this is your life and of course you will be careful about making a big decision. I am sorry to put this kind of pressure on you but I just have to know where we stand. And that you love me and that you miss me and all the other sweet things you say are wonderful (and right back at you) but I need more.
This is pretty much all I have to say. You may wonder why I still hope to be together if I had all these bad experiences, memories, doubts and there are some things about your character that worry me when I think about us in the long run. What can I say? I am just a hopeless optimist… It's because it feels so good to be with you (love is the priority) and I am not even going to mention how it feels to touch you that I think we will be just fine if you could help being less selfish at times. Wonderful to be exact. And I also think we complement each other in many ways.
Let me know if I should still try to come over or under these new circumstances maybe you think I shouldn't?
Whatever you decide or don't decide (and I so so so hope that you give us a real chance) I hope everything turns out the way you want.
I will be waiting to hear from you. Cok you either way.



(And in case we are still on, just a few news from your Bebek: I have a big shoot coming up right before the holidays. So the two weeks ahead are going to be hectic. Meetings every day. The director is a British guy. I did not meet him yet but they say he is very easy to work with and he is a good director. This is not a very fun spot we are shooting, it's just a washing machine endorsed detergent. But there is one coming up after the holidays, which we are probably going to shoot in Antalya. Now that is going to be fun, kids and everything. I took your reel from ANS. But it's NTSC also I think this is your editor's reel. Do you have a goodier one now?
Did I tell you how many Unagis I ate in NY? Well, many many! Do they have many Japanese restaurants in Edinburgh?)

E

March 28, 1998
It's me again. Now that I have a firm reservation on the plane, I thought maybe I should give this to you in person. Also, I did not want to pass on the opportunity to have a great time for a week. I've been missing you for long and much. But everything I wrote above is still waiting to be answered.
Love,

E

letters from the past 18

Wednesday, February 25, 1998
Canim Bebek,
I've been trying to talk to you for the last few days, finally someone told me that "you went down south"! I suppose you finally could go to Rugby to see your Dad. I hope he's doing fine. It must be tough to have a broken hip at his age.
Now the good news first: I'm coming over on April 5th for a whole week. (If it's all right with you of course. Tell me ASAP). The bad news is my reservation is not confirmed yet, because it's a nine-day holiday and everybody is rushing abroad. My travel agent is telling me that usually it opens up a few days before.
CookieLo, I'm so excited that I am going to see you. I'll touch you and kiss you and hold you and smell you and taste you and love you…again finally.
First I'm going to NY in 10 days. Hopefully I'll be able to take care of taxes and greencard problem in one week. I am lucky that no shoot or editing is planned for the next few weeks so I can take off in March and still have the holiday in April to homschk my Bebek. Remember when I told you that I was going to NY for the coming holiday you asked me "do you rather go to NY than come and see me?" Of course I rather NOT. So I thought it was worth a shot and went to Selda (deputy GM) and told her that I have to enter US before the end of March (because I have to make an entry every six months). She was very nice about it. She said, "go right away before March 16th" when we may have a shoot.
The only problem is that I'm already so excited about it that I don't know how I will wait till April (which is only a month away). The other problem is that I will be totally broke because of two international trips in one month and will have to be careful for a while before and after.
Let me know if you want anything from NY or here. Otherwise I'm just bringing my small self (lost a little weight lately) and a ton of love.
Now it's the usual part in the letter where I tell you how cok much I love you and miss you: I love you cok cok and miss you terribly. But this time it's not a hopeless line. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!!
Now it's the other usual part of the letter where I ask you about how you're doing money wise and whether you sent Amex money or not. Is there light at the end of this tunnel?
The weather has been so nice in Istanbul for the last week or so. I check out Edinburgh weather on CNN when I can and you guys are not doing badly either.
Call me write to me cok me I cok you.
See you soon (not soon enough)

letters from the past 17

Wednesday, February 18, 1998

I still did not get a chance to go to the post office. You would think it's far away, it's around the corner from my office! This is how busy I am. I feel so tired this week that my bed looks like heaven to me.
I started to read the book about the Black Sea that your father had sent to you. Maybe sometime this summer I'll go there, this will be kind of a cool, unusual summer holiday.
Did you read anything good lately?
Are you still dreaming of Jake's Humpty Dumpty? (Seems like it from your Valentine's card. And when did you learn French? The rest of it was true though :)
Can I homschk you right now? (Sorry it slipped)
Well, I'll go to bed now, yet another night without you, how many more of these? Canimsin sen benim.

letters from the past 16

Sunday, February 15, 1998
I saw a few nice dreams about us last night. When I woke up I missed you even more than yesterday (if missing more than this is possible!) It's so funny even my skin misses you and I can't imagine how wonderful it will feel to touch you again.
I'll apply for the visa this week some time, I'm sure once I have it I won't be able to wait anymore.
Or maybe you will show up soon? Why don't we make a plan and stick with it?
How are the nights at the club going? What kind of drug your partner is on? What do you mean I wouldn't recognize you? Tell me, tell me. COOOOOOOOK.

Now it's another night that I'll go to sleep and you won't be playing guitar on the roof, I won't hear you sing right before I close my eyes. And in the morning I won't wake up next to you and kiss you before I go to work. This is exactly how I want to live!
Sorry, it just comes out sometimes.
Take care of yourself. Cok you.

letters from the past 15

Saturday, February 14, 1998 (Valentineless Valentine's Day)
Dear Bebek,
So here I am enjoying a non-working Saturday. Till Wednesday there was a shoot scheduled for today. Luckily there was a last minute change and I shot it on Thursday. It would have been the second work Saturday in a row.
I wrote to you about the disastrous director's cut that I had to redo, it turned out quiet good at the end. And everyone liked it much. So my first spot is a success (Proud of your Bebek?). Now we'll see what it will do for sales.
Did you cut anything fun lately? And how is the music going? ( Today the temperature is 15 C in Edinburgh (says CNN). I hope you are enjoying it. It's nice over here too. I'll go enjoy it now.
Another news from CNN: Adam Sandler's new movie is going to be released in summer, guess which movie it is? Wedding Singer! (not wedding band) Did you ever hear from Martin about what happened?
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Hello, it's me again. You called me a bit ago. And I think I forgot to tell you "I love you" again.
What's with the phones and me?
I really hope everything works out for you. It kills me to think that you are alone and broke all the way over there and I cannot do anything to help you. Same thing goes for me too of course and you cannot help me either. On top of all this we owe $6000+. I think this whole situation sucks. I want my Bebek.
I hope at the end it turns out this was the best thing to do for both of us

letters from the past 14

Tuesday, February 10, 1998
Sorry! I received the Valentine day's card. Canim, you remembered. Hey, can I be your Valentine? We will have so many things to celebrate when we meet: past birthdays, anniversaries, X'mas, Valentines,…And of course we have to make a trip somewhere very different and special and call it honeymoon ª
Speaking about moon, it's full moon today. I remembered one full moon I saw from your apartment's window one night. It was so big and yellow, I was speechless for a while. You were not home yet. It's funny, why my memory picks this one to remember and not something else? Just talking to myself !
I had a small size disaster today. I received the director's cut for the last spot we shot. Unbelievably, he omitted some of the crucial plans and picked the worst takes from some others. I have to re-edit the whole thing in about 6 hours tomorrow and I don't even have the VHS copies to watch in advance. I'll have a ton of fun tomorrow.
But now, I am writing to you. It's not like being with you but this is as close as I can get. Sad isn't it?
Happy Valentine's day Charley Bebek. I love you.
Why don't you grab a pen now and write a long nice letter to me. Tell me about what you are doing, what your plans are. (You may add that you are missing me too if you like J). But seriously, tell me a little about what you're thinking. Do you realize that you wrote more to Ates in that one letter that you ever wrote to me since we've been apart? I'm telling you stuff about my job and etc. You tell me too cookielo.
My letters to you are becoming my diaries. I read the first ones the other day, I felt the same way I did when I first wrote them.
I finally received news from the green card. Apparently my papers were returned to NY INS in August for correction! I don't know what that means yet. I hope nothing bad.
Take good care of your Bebek self, it's a little mine too. Don't worry about things too much (look who's talking), don't forget that I love you and need you too.
Some things are more important than others.
Cok.

letters from the past 13

Saturday, February 07, 1998
Bebeko mio,
It's good to hear that life is treating you better and you are finally working. And it's good to hear you! Canimsin sen benim. Because sometimes, especially after a long day of work when I am so tired that I can't sleep, I think I made you up. It must have been a lazy Sunday afternoon with sun shining outside; I closed my eyes and made you up. I may have said, "let him feel wonderful to touch, let him make me feel all bzzzzy even when I think of him". So my guy came to exist, but only in my dreams.
That's why I want to hear your voice more often Cookielo. Well, actually I would like to touch you more often too but…
But back to reality: You told me not to worry about Amex. How? If I don't have to worry about it, I can come over right away.
Don't give any money to Amex directly. A is going to transfer the balance to another credit card so that it's possible to pay for it in installments. So, you have to wire money to his account. If you send a British Bank check there is a check clearance fee which is higher than wire fee. I don't remember giving the bank info to you, you need all this: ..... Let me know when you send him money and how much it is, because I have to send some too.
I so want to believe you when you say don't worry. Because then not only I can come over but I can finally rent an apartment, buy a car soon etc. If I have to pay tough, I have to give up all that and some more.
I never get to tell you I love you on the phone. I don't know why. Every time I hang up I go "shoots"! I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I…
DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU?
Tell me about this cooking job of yours. I imagine you with a chef's hat and a white apron it makes me smile. I wish I could eat what you're cooking. What's on your menu? (I wish I were on it. I am sooo bad.)
My first shoot went super. I had great fun and got to homschk the babies (7 of them the first day, between 12 and 15 months old. It's when they just begin to wobble). I'll send you a copy of the stuff I worked on since I started.
I really like the job. I am working very hard though and I want someone to come home to. I am sure you know the feeling. I MISS YOU. My belly button ring misses you too. I thought you would want to know this J she wants someone to bite her off me. I would like him to be tall and good-looking, bzzzzy hands are a must and he would preferably be called C. Do you know anyone for the job? Quick, I don't know how much longer it can wait.
Any chances of you joining me in New York in April? I am planning on stocking up on Sushi and Bagels and all forms of crazy fun (can you see my horns from there?)
How come you are not writing to me Bebek? This is my 13th letter to you! You did not even send me a birthday card. You'll pay for this later. Just wait till I get my hands on you. I bet you're going to forget the Valentine's Day too, we'll see.

letters from the past 12

Saturday, January 31, 1998
Hello it's me,
How are you doing Bebek Bebek? It's been quite a long time since you last written to me. I am sure a bunch of things have changed since. It's funny, with you every time we talk there is something new. I hope your news are good and you are doing better both financially and emotionally. Don't you feel lonely, because I always think about you and love you very much. You are not alone; I can't be there physically but my thoughts are with you.
And about financially, are you making any progress in earning money? What is your plan about paying this $6000 on Amex? This whole thing is bothering me tremendously, especially because they are calling Ali's number to reach me and also because they are turning me to collection which means I may get arrested when I go to NY in April. I hope you are not ignoring it.
Are you going to US anytime soon? The last bad news is that to keep the green card, we have to make an entry every six months. Apparently they are tolerant the first time but then not a day over six months. There is a nine-day holiday in mid-April, I'll go then. Do you think it may be a good idea for you to go there for a month or so to get some work? You never had a serious money problem in NY and it may be a good idea to keep your relations with your US clients alive. Don't think that I am putting my nose in your business, but this Amex bill is a big time problem for me (the fact that my parents know about it makes it twice as big). Thinking that I may have to pay for this gives me a headache. If so, I won't be able to get a place for a year or so. I will hate you for life (I am using the word in its real sense and not in Elif sense).
My first real shoot is starting next Wednesday. It's going to be a tough week. I really like my job though. I had a baby casting session the other day, no need to tell you how much fun I had.
It's quite cold in Istanbul since last weekend. Today is the last day of Ramadan holiday. This was the holiday I was planning to come over to see you. I could have been there since Wednesday afternoon and wouldn't have to leave until tomorrow. You never sent me that letter of course. Makes me wonder if you really wanted me to come over.
Ates told me that he referred a director to you. Did he call you? He also told me about Fusun's miscarriage. That must have been devastating to them.
G is calling me often. They couldn't find a job yet and they maybe coming back in a few months if they can't. It won't be good for me of course because where will I stay in NY every six months? Also, I would like to keep the place just in case. Once they decide, I may have to find someone to sublet. It will be a little tough from here.
I saw "Copland" the other day. So so. There are a few movies that I want to see. How about you? Did you see or heard anything good recently? I can't remember what the last movie we saw together was. Sad, I can't remember the last time we went out to eat, the last time we traveled somewhere, nor the last time we made love. It must be because I never thought they would be the last times. Miss you too much.
I think I mentioned to you about the check-up I got done. They found something in the ultrasound images. It may be something malignant or nothing. I am not going to know for a couple of months. I try not to think about this and I am quite successful at it most of the time. But sometimes it hits me and makes everything meaningless.
Write to me Cookielo, it's good to touch something you sent to me.
Cok you, think about me! Don't forget the rest of the stuff that I wrote.
Kisses.

letters form the past 11

Wednesday, January 28, 1998

Hey Bebek,
It's me.
I got my first pay today. I will have to send the whole thing to Ali to start paying your Amex bill. I thought I'd share this good news with you. I won't be able to get me a place for a year. I won't be able to go out or travel. All this because you were irresponsible in spending the money that you did not have and probably will never make. I still cannot believe how easily you totally ignore this whole thing. You did not even bother to call Amex. It doesn't seem like you are trying to get a job. Did you make any plans about the payments? I really want to know what your solution is. And if you think you won't be able to pay this or you simply don't care, I want to know it too.
Other than this, everything is good and I like my job very much. I was planning to come over on Feb 13th but of course it's out of question now, I rather send that $400+ to Ali and maybe Amex people won't call him every other day (Can you understand how this makes me feel?).
You know, up until now I'd never lost hope on us. Even at our worst moments. I always thought that somehow we would fix things up. Maybe it's because I thought we cared about each other. Now I know that you don't care at all. I can't tell when you stopped or if you ever did.
It's been a good lesson for me though (and expensive). Next person, I'll know better.
Enjoy and don't you worry about anything!

me talking 7

Tuesday, February 17, 1998
I must be going through the toughest period of my life. I work so hard that I only have time to sleep outside work. I may have a lump in my ovaries. Still don't have my own place and have very little money (did not get paid yet!). Bebek is far away. And I was hoping my 31st would be better than my 30th. Tough luck.
I talked to Bebek on Valentine's Day twice. Miss him so much. And he, me. We owe $6000+ to Amex. I have to US every six months to keep the green card, which by the way was returned to NY INS from Texas for correction. I don't know what this means. We'll see.
Maybe Bebek will get a record deal and all this will be solved. Go Bebek go! Miss you so.

me talking 6

Tuesday, January 20, 1998
Work is getting hot. Busy I mean not something else, as there is not one good-looking guy in the office.
There are 4 or 5 projects running at the same time and that kind of toughens the whole process. The post facility is nice. Couple of babes over there. Both English…what's wrong with me?
I went to a college reunion yesterday. Many people did not recognize me, "good change" they said. I felt good afterwards.
On C side: He had an argument with the manager at Digital and split. I have no idea how he is going to pay the Amex bill. I sent him a serious short letter yesterday about that. He is thinking about coming over to work. Wouldn't that be great?
I went out with E the other night. I felt bad afterwards. Missed NY so much. And the big news is that now I have to go there every six months to keep the green card that by the way he is going to call the lawyer about. The earliest I can is April and it's over six months then.
Will I rent a place or just keep the money to go there and also buy the important stuff for the apartment first? Do I want to be here? E has some plans about Turkish market and said that maybe he would ask for my help. Why not? Why is life so complicated?
We got the results of the check-up, there is a little kist on one of my ovaries, which apparently is not a big deal. It's an egg that did not explode! Other things are all right.
I miss him a lot too. But now I understand how he could (and still does probably) think about sleeping with other people. I do too, rarely though.
Ates's wife had a miscarriage. That must be devastating.

letters from the past 10

Sunday, January 18, 1998

Hello Bebek,
I found out that you never called AMEX, which by the way is turning me over to collection. I am very surprised about this. Was I not clear enough in telling you that you have to make a payment promise otherwise they will not only cancel the card and ruin my credit but also give the account to a collection agency? And I am sure there is some kind of legal punishment for this.
I am going to be in New York in April. I don't want any bad surprises going through the customs. You have to clear the account by then. A couple of months ago you wrote to me that I should not worry about your ability to earn money, you don't have to say it again just show me.
I'll try to get some work for you here in Istanbul, but C please please take this seriously and do something. I already have things to worry about, don't cause me any trouble.

E